


The Chainsaw Vigilante (A The Tick comics fanfiction)

by ArcannaRyu



Category: The Tick (TV 1994), The Tick (TV 2001), The Tick (TV 2017), The Tick - All Media Types
Genre: Anti-Hero, Gen, Genderswap, Superheroes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2020-03-30 22:52:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19037149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcannaRyu/pseuds/ArcannaRyu
Summary: A fan made sequel to The Tick comic spinoff "Chainsaw Vigilante" which was cancelled after only 3 issues.Don't worry too much about not being familar with the super obscure old comic though tho, cus there's a recap of the story in here somewhere to catch you up.i'd say as long as you have a passing familiarity with The Tick, you'll have fun with this story.





	1. The Chainsaw Vigilante

 

 

A young kid strolled through the streets absentmindedly, abandoned factories and warehouses surrounding him.

Worn down and covered in graffiti, it was one of those places in every city that nobody really knew by name or cared much about, but that just made it a great place for a bored suburban kid of about eleven years old to explore on a sunny Saturday afternoon, especially if said kid had a lax attitude towards the no trespassing signs that dotted the landscape.   
  


The weathered old buildings were often full of interesting old machines, or bits and pieces of whatever the factory or warehouse had left behind.  He never knew what he might find each time he snuck into one of these dilapidated old places, and today he was farther into this urban jungle than he had ever wandered before.   
  


 He was a pretty average looking kid. Dark brown hair, t-shirt and shorts, sneakers; it seemed that the only thing he was missing was a baseball cap, otherwise he would look the very definition of generic little boy on his summer vacation.   
  


So, with thoughts of action movies running through his head, he imagines himself as a tough, but suave secret agent, sent by the “spy agency” to find the “evil guys secret base”, his imaginary game obviously based off James Bond. He pretends to get a message from the agency on his ‘wrist communicator’ (aka the watch he got from a cereal box) saying

  
“Agent triple-O-eight, our sources indicate that the evil doctors base is somewhere around here, KKZZZT…”    
in his best imitation of a static warped voice.

 

“I see it home base.”    
he responds while walking to a door leading into a large warehouse painted a dark green    
“I’m goin in the evil lair now.”

 

He grabs the handle and tugs, but the door doesn’t budge. He tries shaking it, then pulls again, then shoves with all his might, but the door just doesn’t budge.

  
“Uhhhhhh, I meant this one.”    
He says with a hint of embarrassment as he walks over to the next warehouse, ‘this one’ being painted a dark red that chipped and cracked with age, inter-spaced with the occasional work of graffiti, and grabs the handle of the big sheet metal sliding door that was used for loading and unloading cargo, pulling with all his might.

With a rusty, metallic screech, it gives way, and he pulls the big door open just enough for him to squeeze into the warehouse.  But before he enters, he leans against the outside of the door and peeks around the corner to check and see if anyone’s in there, an action that seemed pretty futile when it came to preserving his stealth considering the amount of noise he made opening the door.   
  


Nevertheless, as he looks around the corner, he sees a bunch of weird shapes in the darkness, but no movement, so with a whisper into his watch he proclaims   
  


“I’m goin in.”

  
and tiptoes into the warehouse.  Slowly his eyes begin to adjust to the dim light, and when they finally do, he is astounded by what he finds.

All around him, there are wooden sculptures, both large and small, most of them depicting an intimidating animal of some sort.    
  


He lets out a hushed    
  
“Wow...”    
  
as he walks up to the nearest sculpture, forgetting his imaginary game as he inspects the incredible sculpture of an owl resting on a stump. The detail is amazing, like something that belonged in a museum (at least in the little kids mind).    
From the talons gripping the wood, to the detail of the feathers, it looked almost real in the obscuring dim light of the warehouse.

He reaches out to stroke the wing of the owl, but recoiled, surprised to find the wood rather rough and prickly, not like the smooth, treated wood he was used to.

Turning away from the owl, he looked around and was awestruck by the number of sculptures, almost all of which showed great skill in their design. So he walked through the warehouse, trying to get a good look at every last one, his shoes kicking up small clouds of the sawdust that lay in a thin blanket across the warehouse floor as he walked.   
  


 He felt more and more like he was in some sort of museum at night, the filthy skylights letting in just barely enough light to see by, and all these thoughts added to his sense of adventure; he just couldn’t wait to show his friends what he had found.   
  


“They’re gonna be so jealous when they see this!”     
  
He says, still in hushed tones while positively beaming with delight.   
  


As he inspected, he found that no two sculptures were quite the same.    
There were bears, bats, horses, fish, lizards, along with animals he never would have imagined as a wooden sculpture, like jellyfish, dinosaurs, or giant beetles.    
Even mythical animals like dragons, and more abstract creatures that seemed to defy easy description could be seen among the sculptures, although not all the sculptures were animals.    
Some were just abstract swirls, or plants, or people, like one of a medieval knight.    
But his favorite one had to be the giant cobra that was rearing up to strike from its coils.

 

What he wouldn't  give to have that in his bedroom. Every kid in school would want to come to his house to see his snake!

 

But what was he thinking? It’s not his snake, it probably belonged to someone, they all did, he couldn’t take any of these (and more importantly, most of them were too big to be carried home by a prepubescent boy anyway) but as he neared the back of the warehouse, where the sawdust was most plentiful, he saw the space where the sculptures were made.

 

A large, empty area, with large uncut logs on one side, and a large pile of scrap pieces of wood that had been sawed off from the sculptures on the other side.    
And much to his delight, in this pile were bits and pieces of broken or failed sculptures.

 

He might not in good conscience be able to take any of the sculptures, but nobody would mind if he took some of their scrap right?

He sifts through the pile, picking out any interesting bits and pieces he could find, and getting just  _ covered _ in splinters in the process, although he was too engrossed to care at the moment.

His search reveals plenty of awesome pieces, including a bear paw, a half-finished dogs head, some sort of bowl, and the pièce de résistance. A shark, completely finished carving, but split in half down the middle due to a natural weakness in the wood, making it easily glued together back at his house.

But still, it was too large for him to try and carry back with him, so taking a few of the smaller fragments, he leaves the warehouse for home, with the plan to sneak out late that night to come back for the rest.

  
  
  
  


After nightfall he makes his way back to the warehouse, the moon shining brightly in the sky to light his way (albeit a bizarre looking moon, with a bite mark on one side, and the letters HA carved into its face…. but that’s an entirely different story).

He frantically pedals his bike down the sidewalks and alleyways, a wide smile growing on his face as he comes closer and closer to his goal, but as he turns the final corner and the warehouse comes into view, he slows to a halt, and his face falls into an expression of confusion.

 

There are lights on in the warehouse, and a slight buzzing sound coming from within it.   
  


Intrigued, he dismounts, and walks his bike the rest of the way to the entrance.

 

Leaning the bike against the wall beside the door, he reaches for the door handle while thinking to himself aloud,   
  


“I bet it’s the guy who made the sculptures, maybe now I can ask permission if I can have that cobra!”

He grabs the handle and tugs, the door sliding open a few feet with a screech, and the slight buzzing sound turns into a dull roar of machinery as he glances through the door.

 

He could tell that the noise and lights were coming from that work area in the back, but his view was too blocked by all the sculptures to tell anything else. So cautiously, he sneaks his way through the maze of sculptures, following the light and sound, until he comes to a halt at the edge of the work area, stunned by his discovery.   
  


In the circle, surrounded by the bright work lights, was someone he knew only from hushed rumors, and stern parental warnings.

 

Someone spoken of among many of the adults he knew, like how kids his age spoke of the infamous boogie man. But unlike the debatable existence of the boogie man,  _ they _ were without a doubt a painful reality to anyone brave enough to call themselves a superhero in these twin cities.

Deertown-Hobblevilles own mysterious chainsaw wielding maniac...

 

_ The Chainsaw Vigilante. _

 

Though our young protagonist had never seen this masked villain in person before, there was no mistaking… her? He had heard that the Chainsaw Vigilante was a girl, but nobody had ever seemed quite sure.

 

But there was no question, before him stood one of the most infamous people he knew... carving an elegant seahorse out of a large block of wood with a bright yellow chainsaw.

 

Her black leather jacket, one sleeve of which had silver spikes along her forearm, was covered in a fine mist of sawdust, and the bright yellow mask she wore, with its disturbing smiley face motif, was screwed in a determined expression as the sea horse was hewn from the wood with expert precision and skill. The upside-down smiley face button on her lapel catching the light as she moved, along with her long, light brown hair, with its one long, slightly curled piece of hair that reached out over her mask and down her face.

 

Suddenly, she stops her work, and looks around quizzically, as if sensing a presence, and he quickly hides behind one of the statues to avoid her line of sight.

 

The roar of the chainsaw ceases, and there’s a soft clunk as it’s put down on the metal work table. 

His heart rate rising in his ears, he turns to peek around the side of the sculpture, only to see the Chainsaw Vigilante standing right there in front of him!! Fear glues him to the spot, as the silhouetted figure says,

 

“ **So you’re the kid who broke into my warehouse yesterday.** ”     
Her tone stern and accusatory.

 

“H-how did you…”

 

“ **You really think I can’t tell when people come and mess with my things?** ”     
She snaps back threateningly, leaning in with an evil grin that seemed to multiply her already looming presence, before pulling back and rubbing her eyes with one hand stressfully, while saying more to herself than anyone.

“ _ A kid. it had to be a snot nosed kid to who figured out what I did in my spare time. Of all the rotten luck. _ ”

 

The pressure easing off, the kid has a moment to collect himself, and suddenly shouts in an excited, matter of fact tone

 

“You’re the Chainsaw Vigilante!”    
  


Like he was meeting a celebrity, which he kinda was.

 

“ **Way to go kid, sounds like you’ve got pointing out the obvious down pat.** ”    
Her voice dripping in sarcasm as she brushed off some of the sawdust that covered her outfit, before she leaned down to his level, her mask taking on a more intimidating expression again.

  
“  **Now, why don’t you humor me for a moment you little twerp. You obviously know who I am…** ”

she leaned in a bit closer, so close that his nose could almost touch her mask.

  
“ **_So why aren’t you running?_ ** ”

 

But instead of fear, a smug look comes over his face as his arms cross over his chest, looking her dead in the eye as he replies   
  


“You don’t scare me, you only go after people in costumes, and I’m in normal clothes, see?”

He says motioning to his generic little boy outfit of a t-shirt, shorts, and sneakers.

 

Her eyes follow the motion of looking him up and down with displeasure, before throwing her hands up in the air in a mixture of sarcasm and frustration she shouted   
  


“ **Greeeeaaaaat, so now he’s got an attitude on top of everything!** ”   
Before turning back to him and pointing her finger accusingly   
  


“ **Look you little brat. You’re best off forgetting you were ever here. Go and run back home to mommy and daddy like a good little pest, before I start considering more painful consequences for your trespassing.** ”

 

“But I just… ”   
his confidence faltering, but she doesn’t let him finish.

 

“ **Stuff it kid. Now pipe down. I need a minute to figure out what I’m going to do with you.** ”

 

She starts to pace back and forth as she thinks, the kid standing and watching for the first few laps but before long he falls in step beside her, and starts off rattling question after question.   
  


“Could I have one of your wood animals?”   
  


“Why do you slice up superheroes with a chainsaw?”   
  


“Is Chainsaw Vigilante your real name?”   
  


“Have you always been a girl?”   
  


“How do you even see anything with that mask on?”   
  


On her end, at first she’s curious as to why the kid was following her in her pacing, but it quickly turns to annoyance as she pauses for a second or two, looking thoroughly peeved about the still talking kid that stood directly behind her, until finally, she snaps.

 

With a furious roar, and a terrifying expression on her mask, she spins around in the blink of an eye.    
A large knife, which had appeared in her hand seemingly out of nowhere, gets imbedded in the head of a rather innocent looking wooden rabbit that rested not two feet from where the boy stood with a dull “Thunk”,    
the knife sinking about halfway up the blade into the wood, causing the boy to jump in surprise,  and then cower in fear as she yelled.   
  


“ **You stupid little brat! I am not someone you can just endlessly pester and get away with it! I have that reputation for a reason! Now I was trying to cut you a little slack since you obviously have some issues with the whole concept of self-preservation, but since you can’t seem to take a hint  I’m gonna make it perfectly clear to you.**

**I am the God-Dang Chainsaw Vigilante! I’ve got almost every superhero in the state running in fear of ME! And unless you want me to add trespassing little morons to my list along with the spandexed dummies you had better shut your trap for two freaking minutes while I figure out what to do with you!!!** ”   
  


She wrenches the knife from the wooden rabbits head as she turns away from the shocked kid, who was now frozen in place, mouth agape, and with tears threatening to leak from his eyes.

  
Her shoulders rise and fall with each deep, angry breath as she tries to calm herself down. 

Her breathing soon evening out, she quickly checks her watch, the hand holding the knife pulling up her leather sleeve for a quick glance.   
  


“ **It’s past midnight.** ”

She mutters to no one in particular, her knife hand lowering to rest on her hip, and her foot tapping a bit as she considers things for a moment.

 

Suddenly she glances over her shoulder and meets the little boy with an intense stare. He found himself wishing to turn away, but unable to, instead standing stock still, mesmerized by the fierce gaze of her bright yellow mask.

She eventually turns her gaze away from him, and he lets out a breath he hadn’t known that he was even holding until now.

 

Calmly and with a well-practiced movement, she hides the knife back into one of the tall boots she wore, then set off to the unfinished sculpture of a seahorse she had been working on;     
the click click click of her boot heels echoing around the abandoned warehouse as she walked.

  
Her long, smooth gait seemed to betray some sort of barely concealed fury, reminding the boy of his father the time he had accidentally broken a headlight of the family car with a baseball.

He almost whimpered as he stood glued to the spot in fear. 

  
Now he understood why the superheroes thought she was so terrifying, it seemed like everything she did was somehow intimidating! He wondered why he didn’t see it before. His eyes widen further as she picks up her chainsaw, the bright lamps glinting off the small, razor sharp blades that lined its edge with gleaming silver.    
  


She smacks the flat side of the chainsaw with one hand to dislodge the remaining sawdust, then grabbed her long hair and moved it out of the way as she holstered the chainsaw across her back, before starting to walk back towards him.

He cringes in fear as she gets close, but she walks right past him without so much as a glance, instead going straight to the large, sliding metal door, still slightly opened from when he had entered, and wrenches it open further.    
  


The cool night air blows through the opening, making her long hair flutter in the breeze slightly.

Noticing his bike right outside the door she grabs it and places it down inside the warehouse, finally turning to look at him.   
  


“ **Come on kid, I’m walking you home.** ”

 

This confuses him. Not a moment ago he had been expecting to be torn to shreds, but now she sounded almost friendly.   
  


“ **Move it shrimp, I don’t have all night.** ”

 

He takes a step back and shakes his head no, not taking his eyes off her.    
She sighs and rolls her eyes, then grabs the bikes handles and walks it over to him. Setting it in front of him and gesturing to it with an open palm.   
  


“ **I wasn’t asking, now let’s go.** ”

 She says while fixing him with a stern, but not angry gaze.

 

Tentatively, he grabs the bike, and slowly walks it out of the warehouse, Chainsaw Vigilante following close behind. As they leave she pulls a big switch on the wall, shutting down the bright lights in the warehouse before walking out and wrenching the door shut behind them with a loud metallic scrape.  He chances a look up at her mask.

Though its expression was now more calm and neutral, it still unnerved him to look at it, especially in the moonlight.   
  


“ **Now, I don’t have to tell you to never come here again, or mention this to anyone, do I?** ”

 

He shakes his head no.

 

“ **Good, now lead the way kid.** ”

 

Cautiously, not quite wanting to turn his back to her, he turns and starts to walk towards home, Chainsaw Vigilante following his lead.

 

Trying to muster his confidence, he asks    
  
“Why are you walking me home?”

 

“ **Well** ”    
she replied,    
  
“ **You’ve already stumbled into me tonight, so with the way your luck is going so far, I can’t afford to take any chances. Plus it’s one of those adult responsibility things. You probably wouldn’t understand.** ”

 

“But with all the superheroes always patrolling the street every night, I should be fine walking home by myself?”

 

She shoots a venomous glare at him, obviously that he struck a nerve, so he shuts his trap. But she answers his question regardless.

 

“ **You can’t trust all the superheroes kid.** ”    
She says as she turns away from him and looks back at the road for a moment before continuing.   
  


“ **Why don’t you think about it this way, would a superhero NOT tell your parents you’ve been wandering around this late? Or what if you mentioned that you had met me, you think they wouldn’t make a big deal of that?  Do you want all that trouble?** ”

 

He thinks for a moment before responding timidly    
  
“No mam”.

 

 She smirks at that. Before carrying on in a more sarcastic tone    
  
“ **Of course you could be one of those kids who actually likes all the attention, you could probably even get in the papers.** ”    
  
She motions out a headline with her hands    
  
“ **_Random superhero saves kid who wasn’t in danger from Chainsaw Vigilante_ ** **! Or how about,** **_Local super villain is artistically inclined, boy finds warehouse full of sculptures made by Chainsaw Vigilante_ ** **! Or even,** **_Local boy severely beaten after squealing on Chainsaw Vigilante_ ** **.**

**But we don’t have to worry about that one right?** ”

 

 He mumbles back    
  
“My parents would still kill me for being out so late.”

 

“ **Good, because as far as I’m concerned, once you’re home, then it’s like this never happened, and as long as you don’t do anything stupid, then it will stay that way.** ”

  
They walk in silence down the dark unlit streets between the warehouses, the moon casting just enough light to see by.

 

 Cautiously, he asks    
  
“Why do you hate superheroes so much?”

 

“ **Why do you love them so much?** ”    
  
she immediately snaps back.

 

“I don’t love superheroes!”

 

“ **I bet you do, I bet you want to marry one and then have little superhero babies and live together as a big dumb superhero family.** ”   
  


He looks away uncomfortably, biting his lower lip slightly, and her eyes widen slightly in surprise    
  
“ **You’ve got to be kidding me. You've already got a big dumb superhero family don't you?** ”

 

“Umm what?! Noooo, they aren’t? I mean… Ok yeah. How could you even figure something like that out?” 

 

She sighs and rubs her eyes with one hand again in frustration    
  
“ **Uggh, I thought I smelled hero on you, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. So which ones are they?** ”    
  
he opens his mouth to speak but she quickly interrupts,

  
“ **On second thought don’t answer that, I don’t want to know. I can’t really blame you for your parents, so it doesn’t matter anyway.** ”    
  
She pauses and looks up at her surroundings, before saying in a surprisingly empathetic tone. 

  
“ **This path has way too many people this time of night. We’re taking a detour.** ”

 

He gives a timid and slightly confused   
  
“Alright?”   
  
And in return.

 

“ **Good. Follow me.** ” 

 

Her footsteps suddenly seem much quieter as she lengthens her strides and takes the lead down an alley, making him have to jog to try and keep up as they went along.    
He often failed to do so however, as even without running, the tall and somewhat lanky Chainsaw Vigilante could move with some considerable speed. And with the alleyways being so dark, he would often lose sight of her.    
But he never got lost, as she would always wait for him whenever they had to make a turn, with at one point the two of them even having to hop a chain link fence, with her giving him a boost over it, then following him with a practiced ease while carrying the bike.   
The Kid could hardly help but to try and mimic the silent movement of their unsettling travel partner, thoughts returning to their earlier game of playing secret agent. 

 

Soon they make it to the beginning of a suburban neighborhood that seemed bizarrely close to a few of the the big city skyscrapers compared to most quaint little neighborhoods.    
If they were any closer together, then the skyscrapers would probably cast a shadow over them at the right time of day.

He takes the lead again as the two of them walk down the streets, and before long he comes to a halt in front of a certain house and looks up at Chainsaw Vigilante expectantly

 

“ **Is this it?** ”    
  
she asks.

 

“Yep, this is my house.”

 

She gives a quick once over of the place, spotting an open window on the second floor.    
  
“ **Did you climb out that window?** ”

He gives a quick nod, so she walks over to the porch overhang below it, and kneels, cupping her hands in preparation to give him a boost back up to the window like they had done with the fence. Leaning his bike against the side of the house he walks over to her and she easily hoists him up to the porch roof, where he looks back down at her, overall looking pretty happy with how his night had gone.

 

“ **Oh, and kid? One last thing.** ”    
  
she says, looking back up at him with a smirk before saying a little creepily.

  
“ **_I know where you live._ ** ”

 

His face falls and his blood goes cold as she turns around and starts walking away, with one last casual wave over her shoulder at him she shouts    
  
“ **Goodbye forever** **_unless you decide to do something stupid_ ** **kid, have a nice life.** ”    
  
And soon she disappears into the darkness.

 


	2. A normal day in the life of

 

 

 

It was almost four in the morning by the time she made it back to her apartment. That detour with the kid had made the trip home about three times as long, and she was eager to get some shut eye. 

Tomorrow, or rather, later today, she had to go get job searching, having recently been let go from her previous job due to some particularly nasty budget cuts.   
  


Taking off her mask and setting down the chainsaw, she plops into bed and falls asleep the moment her head hits the mattress.

 

The grating electric buzz of her bedside clock goes off at nine o'clock sharp, her bloodshot eyes snapping open at the sound; and a weary hand slamming the top of the machine.    
She rises with a disgruntled noise, groaning again as she looks down and realises she had fallen asleep in costume. So she quickly strips it off and begins her morning routine of a shower and a cup of coffee.

Feeling more awake and capable in a clean set of casual clothes, she heads out to start the day, though she makes a mental note to try and take a nap in the evening to make up for the previous all nighter. 

 

Walking through the front door and into the hallway outside her apartment, she locks the door behind her and looks up to see a little old woman with a kindly face and a little black Pekingese in her arms. 

The landlady of this small apartment block, she was starting to get a little out of it in her old age, but not enough to let you get away with not paying your rent.   
  


“Haley dear, would you mind walking Mr. Snuffles for me?”

 

“Mrs. Lavern”    
she says, rolling her eyes as the old woman hands her the dog    
  
“It’s been, what, three weeks now that I’ve walked your dog, rain or shine, every morning? Honestly, if this keeps up, I might just have to start charging you as your own personal dog walker.”

 

“Oh of course dear. I know you’re still out of a job, so here’s something for you trouble.”

With a wrinkled old hand, she hands Hayley about three dollars

 

“Gee…. thanks Mrs. Lavern.”    
she says rather confounded and a little bit off put by this, as she had really only been kidding about it. Still, now she wouldn’t have to pay for her own newspaper, and maybe get a bagel or something as well, so she’s not complaining. At least the woman hadn’t given her a measly little quarter or something.  She pockets the money and accepts the little black dog in her arms.

  
“Well, see ya soon Mrs. Lavern”    
before turning to leave.

 

“Oh, and make sure to take him…”

 

“Past the meat market, through the dog park on Wednesdays, the regular park every other day of the week, and through the Marsons neighborhood because he’s got dog friends there. I’ve got it Mrs. Lavern.”

 

 Walking out the front door and onto the street, she puts the little dog down and starts strolling along the sidewalk, one hand in her pocket and the other holding onto the leash. 

 

After a while, they come to a stop at a small grocery store, where she buys a newspaper and a bagel and sits down on the bench outside.    
Mr. Snuffles leaps onto the bench to sit down beside her with the practiced motion of a dog playing out their daily routine; panting lightly and watching the people go by as Haley opens the newspaper to the job listings and scans the page to check who’s hiring, before a voice interrupts her reading with a…   
  


“Oh I just love what you’ve done with your hair!!”

 

Raising one eyebrow, she looks up from her newspaper and turns her head in unison with Mr. Snuffles to see a thin, busty woman, with long black hair and dressed up in the latest fashion along with a TON of makeup. Her smile looked almost inhumanly large and showed off a set of perfect white teeth.    
Haley’s eyes quickly scan up and down this woman, before turning back to her newspaper. 

  
“Uhhh, thanks. I washed it this morning.”

 

“Wow really? Is that all? I wish my hair could look that good without any effort, but I have to say the ou natural look really works for you!”

 

“Gee... thanks.”    
She says sarcastically, though the woman doesn’t pick up on it, continuing to speak as Hayley turned her attention back to her newspaper.   
  


“Now personally I start the day with…”    
  


and then she continues on with exactly what she does with her hair, and what brands she uses, where she went shopping, and what kind of clothes she’s wearing currently, while Haley sits there, stone faced, trying and failing to read her newspaper.

 

“Oh, and by the way, you planning on going to the big event today?”

 

Raising an eyebrow at that, she turns her attention back to the woman to ask   
  


“What big event?”

 

“Oh you don’t know? Well I saw you reading the paper, so I figured you knew about it. It’s on the front page. And… oh my, would you just look at the time! I gotta get going! It was nice meeting you!” 

She says while flashing Hayley her biggest smile and quickly trotting off in her high heel shoes, which clicked on the sidewalk as she left.

 

Looking a little intrigued, she turns the paper over to finally get a look at the front page, which read in big bold letters,

BOLD NEW SUPERHERO TEAM ASSEMBLED!

next to a picture of five heroes posed dramatically as a team, and continuing with   
  


“Great things are expected of these new rising stars, who’ve already saved… yadda yadda yadda..”  

she says aloud, skipping down the page until,   
  


“Will be signing autographs this afternoon  at the grand opening of Edlands discount mattress emporium and steakhouse...”

 

A slight smirk curls on her face as her eyes narrow menacingly, reminiscent of the evil grins she wears on her mask.   
  


“Well well well, whado you know… A new group of superheroes are in town eh? And it looks like this little celebration of theirs isn't too far from here either….”

 

She turns to the dog beside her,

 

“What do you say Mr. Snuffles? You wanna go…. check it out?”

 

Mr. Snuffles stops his panting and turns his head to one side in confusion, which Hayley chuckles at before picking up the little dog and placing him on the ground beside the bench, taking hold of his leash and heading off towards the mattress emporium/steakhouse.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Not a bad turnout.”

She comments as she scans the crowd congregating in front of the building for the opening ceremony.  As she got closer however, her nose wrinkled in disgust at the faint smell of latex, the chemical stink of superhero gadgets like smoke bombs, and of course the seminal stink of the superhero,  _ sweaty spandex _ hung over the crowd.

 

_ “Of course this thing would be lousy with superheroes,”  _

 

She thought to herself,

 

_ “They’re probably showing up to show their support.” _

  
And sure enough, a closer look at the crowd revealed a few of the, air quotes, “secret identities” of superheroes she was already familiar with.

Still, the audience were all in their regular street clothes, so according to her personal moral code, there was no use harassing them when they’re out acting like perfectly reasonable citizens. Even if they were out actively encouraging the nightly pajama parade that plagued these twin cities with their ineffectual and ridiculous interpretations of justice.

 

Moving around the edge of the crowd and towards the stage, with Mr. Snuffles occasionally pausing to sniff the pant leg of the occasional bystander, she soon comes within a good view of the restaurant/mattress store. 

There she sees what looks like the building’s owner speaking to the group of costumed heroes from the newspaper photo, all of whom were looking very excited and absolutely full of themselves to have the honor of cutting a ribbon at the opening of another one of these inexplicable combination superstores/restaurants you find on every street corner lately.

 

_ “Hang on, what’s this?” _

 

She thinks as she inspects the team of superheroes. Or rather, one hero in particular. 

 

A tall, thin, busty woman with long black hair, dressed in a purple skin tight costume emblazoned with a large pair of open scissors, with each blade reaching down her leg to just above her knee.

 

While others might have been fooled by her supposedly seductive and confident expression she now wore rather than her over the top grin, or how her hair was parted differently now (seriously, how do people get fooled by that?), what really made her look different was the lack of the over the top metric ton of makeup she had been wearing earlier. Why without it, she almost looked like an entirely different person!

But to a trained eye like Chainsaw Vigilantes, she could easily see through the disguise, and recognize her as the woman she had met not moments ago!

 

She stifles a chuckle into her fist at the thought, before turning around and calmly walking away from the crowd, and once far enough away that she wouldn’t be heard, she bursts out laughing.   
  


“Criminy! This lady must have been out all morning trying to get every smuck on the street to come to that stupid ceremony! What a  _ poser _ !” 

 

She barely manages to blurt out through her laughing fit as Mr. Snuffles bounces around at her feet barking happily.

With that out of her system, she quickly composes herself, and unrolled her newspaper to get another look at the front page, a slight grin on her face as she inspected it once more.   
  


“Shame I never got her name though. Probably woulda helped save me some trouble later.”

 

She tosses the newspaper in the trash as she walks away, the headline still clearly visible as it rested on top of the pile.   
  


“Aww well, come on Mr. Snuffles, time to take you home……  **I got work to do** . ”

  
  


The next day’s newspaper is roughly tossed onto an armchair, it’s headline reading ‘ _ NEVER MIND _ ’ with the photo showing five beat up and bandaged heroes, with the description reading

‘Bold New Superhero Team disbands after a terrifying run in with the Chainsaw Vigilante, the mysterious figure that has struck terror into the twin cities superhero population for years….’

 

Though you can’t read much more of the paragraph than that, as the scene focuses on Chainsaw Vigilante standing in the background, halfway dressed in her costume and with her back to the newspaper as she puts on her brown leather gloves and talks to herself.   
  


“I just love getting in the papers. Honestly, chainsaw wielding hell beast? What lame excuse for an insult will they come up with next?”  

 

With a final touch she puts on her mask and opens her window to the fire escape   
  


“Aww well. Another night, another team of superheroes to traumatize. Let’s see how the Civic Minded Five and company are doing.”

 

 


	3. Fun times with chainsaws

Climbing up the fire escape behind her apartment block later that night, or rather...morning, she enters through her apartment window, locking it behind her and putting down the blinds before tossing her chainsaw on the armchair and following it up with a yawn and a stretch.

 

She shrugs off her leather jacket as she walks by her clock, hitting the button just as the alarm goes off for nine o'clock before popping her spine with another stretch.   
  


 “Man, I really gotta stop pulling these all-nighters.”    
  
She says as she takes off her mask and rubs her tired eyes    
  
“A robbery, a superhero barbecue, and a super villain scheme, all in one night! What a workout...”

 

She finishes changing out of her costume, stowing it in the closet, and makes herself a cup of coffee, before exiting through her front door to see, as usual, Mrs. Lavern standing there with her black Pekinese, Mr. Snuffles.   
  


“Hayley could you…”   
  


“Sure thing Mrs. Lavern.”    
  
She says sleepily, yawning as she takes the dog from the woman’s hands.   
  


“Just remember that all the time I spend walking Mr. Snuffles is time spent not trying to find a way to pay the rent.”

 

“Oh pish tosh, you’re a talented girl, you’ll find a job soon. You just have to not be so picky about it. Speaking of which, my sinks clogged again, could you take a look at it?”

 

“Mrs. Lavern, I told you that your garbage disposal is broken, you have to go buy a new one.”

 

“But couldn’t you just fix the one I have?” 

 

“You’re lucky I’ve been able to fix your sink up until now to begin with. And besides, you’re the landlady, you should be the one getting things fixed around here.”    
  
The old woman shrugs and Hayley rolls her eyes with a slight smirk.

 

“Well, I’ll see you later Mrs. Lavern.”    
  


And she starts off down the hallway, past the elevator and to the stairs with Mr. Snuffles in one arm. As she’s about halfway down the stairs, the foyer comes into view ... and _ she sees a superhero entering through the front door _ .

 

Immediately backpedaling out of sight of the hero, she quietly makes her way back up the stairs before tearing down the hallway at top speed, thinking,    
  


_ ‘Oh, no! He must have followed me home from when I saved those robbers from compound fractures! Or when I crashed that barbecue and beat up a blindfolded superhero with the piñata bat and kicked the barbeque into the pool!! Or when I forced that supervillain and all the heroes he was fighting to take a bus to the outskirts of the city where there would be less collateral damage, and then beat up every superhero left standing!!!’ _

 

Skidding to a halt in front of Mrs. Lavern, who was still standing in the hallway, she shoves the little dog into the woman’s arms she says a quick

 

“Hi-Mrs.-Lavern-here's-Mr.Snuffles-back!”     
  


In a panicked voice, Spinning the baffled old woman around, kicking open their apartment door, and shoving the woman back into her house.

 

“Hayley? What’s going...?”

 

“No time to explain!!!!”    
  


She responds with a false smile plastered on her face and a mock cheerful tone.   
  


“So why don’t you just stay right there, and uhhh, watch TV or something?

Really loud….

With the radio on too.” 

 

She tries to close the door, but the old woman blocks it with her body.

 

“You aren’t in trouble with  _ the man _ or anything are you sweetie? Cause you know, back during prohibition I…”

 

“No Mrs. Lavern!  It's nothing like that! It's just an, uhhhhhhhh…”    
  


She thinks to herself in a panic.   
  


_ “Come on, think up a good lie!?” _

“Insurance…. salesman?”

 

“Ooooo, I hate those door to door insurance salesman.”

 

“EXACTLY!!”     
  
She shouts with relief at the old lady having bought her obvious lie, before continuing with   
  
“And I can already tell this is a  _ particularly obnoxious _ one, so you just stay put….  **and I’ll go take care of it.** ”   
  
She shoves Mrs. Lavern out of the way gently as she can and closes the door fully before muttering,   
  


 “It could get  **messy** .”

 

She sprints back over to her own apartment, unlocks the door, and rushes in, before moments later coming out half dressed in her Chainsaw Vigilante costume. 

Her belt undone, her gloves in her pocket, her jacket not zipped up, and her mask held between her teeth, she hops on one foot trying to get her other boot on,

But Laverns door starts to open a crack and her voice leaks out   
  


“Are you sure you don’t want any help dear?”

 

And Chainsaw Vigilante immediately and slams it shut, yelling    
  
“That won’t be necessary Mrs. Lavern!”    
  
through the grit teeth holding her mask.

 

“Well alright dear.”    
  
She responds in her kindly grandma sort of voice, finally giving in to Hayley’s demands.

 

Her boots on, she puts on her mask, grabs her chainsaw, and quickly makes the short distance to the elevator, with Mrs. Lavern’s apartment being the closest to it, and thinking aloud as she pushes the button 

“I’ll just send the elevator to the lobby, and when he goes to investigate it, I’ll have taken the stairs and I’ll get him from behind!”

 

But _ yet again _ the door to Mrs. Laverns room opens up a crack, with Mrs. Lavern saying, 

  
“Well at least let Mr. Snuffles go too, you know how much he loves company.”

 

And the little black dog slipped through the door and happily tore off down the hallway towards the stairs.

 

“Mr. Snuffles no!”     
  
She shouts after the dog, but just then the elevator arrives, so after a moment’s indecision, she takes it instead.

  
  


Mr. Snuffles scampers down the stairs on his tiny legs, barking and wagging his tail frantically, and quickly makes a beeline towards the superhero, who was dressed in a stapler themed costume. Their expression lights up at the sight of the little dog as he happily kneels down to greet Mr. Snuffles.

 

 “Well aren’t you a cutie! Are you a good doggie?”   
  
he says in a baby talk voice as he reaches out with the back of his hand for Mr. Snuffles to sniff.

  
“I bet you probably smell my dogs huh?” 

 

he continues as Mr. Snuffles barks and wags his furry little tail happily.

 

When a slight “Ding” comes from the elevator.

He slowly turns his head to inspect the source of the sound... and his face immediately meets the fist of a maniacally laughing Chainsaw Vigilante.    
  


His body twists comically from the impact and leaves him dazed, but still able to stand, until losing his footing as Chainsaw Vigilante grabs him by the collar of his absurd cape, roughly yanking him closer so they’re face to face, all the while praying that her bluff will work.

 

“ **You think I didn’t know I was being followed?** **_Hero_ ** **?** ”    
  


an evil smile playing across her mask   
  


“ **I just wanted to get you brain-dead heroes to show yourself, and what better way than to make you think you’re about to discover my secret identity? You useless...** **_pathetic_ ** **excuses for heroes are so** **_predictable_ ** **.”**

 

He shields his face with his hands while saying a little too meekly through the big swelling bruise on the side of their face,    
  


“No! Don’t hurt me!”   
  


But she just gives him a slight shake to shut him up before threatening,

 

“ **I know you heroes never try to take me on solo, so tell me where your friends are, and** **_maybe I’ll go easy on you_ ** **.** ” 

 

“The-they’re right outside…. on the rooftops across the street!”    
he stutters.

 

And with a broad cheerful grin splitting across her face as she responds 

  
“ **Thanks!** ”

  
  


  
  


Outside the apartment you hear the “Whiffs” and “Pows” of someone getting the snot beat out of them, before with a loud     
‘ _ BANG! _ ’   
she kicks open the door, and tosses the bruised and battered hero onto the sidewalk in front of her apartment. A burst of staples and staplers flying out of his various gadget pouches from the impact, startling many passers-by.

 He manages to pull himself up onto his elbows, showing off all the new swelling and bruising of his face, and he gives off a slightly slurred shout of 

 

“RUN! * _ cough cough _ * It's a trap!!!”   
  


before he collapses face down on the sidewalk.

 

At which point, as if on cue, Chainsaw Vigilante dramatically steps out the door and onto the sunlit patio of the apartment behind him.

 

It’s not often she’s out in broad daylight where the general public can see her, so the pedestrians on the street have mixed reactions to her appearance. 

But she ignored them all, keeping her eyes squarely fixed on the terrified group of superheroes that stood huddled up in fear on the opposite rooftop, some of which already sported battle damaged costumes and bruised bodies from last night’s escapades.

 

The smile on her mask widens as she slowly takes the chainsaw off her back, letting the light catch the shiny blades of it’s edge.

Dramatically, she pulls the rip-chord, the machine roaring to life like some furious beast, and the sound appears to kick her out of the slow dramatic movements and send things into high gear.

She leaps down the steps, and charges with impressive speed in a beeline towards the terrified huddle of superheroes, who are changed from being frozen in place with fear, too panicked and screaming as they attempt to flee in every direction like a herd of spooked gazelle.

She runs into an alleyway beside them, and leaping onto a closed dumpster, she’s able to reach the fire escape and expertly climb her way onto the rooftops. But even then, this still takes a few moments, and by the time she reaches the roof the heroes were already fading off into the distance as they fled across the rooftops.

But not being discouraged by this, she instead ops to take a different route.

 

Ahead of her, the heroes are starting to slow, gathering back together in a group; and before long, one dressed like a weasel chances a look behind him.

 

“Hey! Guys! I think we lost her!”    
he shouts as he slows to a light jog, then a stop, but with eyes still carefully scanning the landscape for any trace of that terrifying form that seemed straight out of a slasher film.

 

With this, the other heroes slow to a stop as well, congregating in the shadow of a brick building that reached about a story taller than the roof they were on now. 

Some stopping more gratefully than others, as a man in a thick pink costume with two giant ears sticking out like a pair of sails from his back and the word ‘Earman’ written across his chest pants heavily as he hunches over, bracing himself against his knees.   
  


Earman: “Oh thank god. I'm sweating so much, I feel like if I run any more,  _ *gasp* _ I'll pass out from dehydration  _ *wheeze* . _ ”

 

But another guy dressed in a white rabbit suit appeared to feel the opposite as he kept jogging in place with a look of panic still etched on his face. He says with a shout,   
  


Bunnyman: “Don't stop running you guys! That’s just what she wants you to think! Just when you think you’ve lost her  _ BOOM _ there she is! Right behind you!!!!”

 

“But then how would we know when we’ve lost her?”    
Says a somewhat timid looking guy dressed in skintight spandex emblazoned with multiple images of envelopes and other letter themed symbols all over his body.

 

“You don’t Letterguy, You  **_just don’t_ ** .”    
  


A more aggressively dressed hero responds, before continuing   
  


“But  **I say** we  **stop running** and do  **what we came here to do!** Take a stand and  **_FIGHT BACK!!!!”_ **

 

Earman: “A... stand?*wheeze* I thought we were just gonna follow her and *pant* try to find out *gasp* her secret identity?”

 

Bunnyman: “If she even has one.”  

He mutters, stopping his jogging to fold his arms across his chest and look away with a condescending frown.    
  


But he’s disregarded as The Weasel angrily snaps back to the bigger dude.

 

The Weasel: “Well if you wanted to ‘Take a stand’ so bad, then why did you run away with the rest of us? Huh? Ultra Violence Man?”

 

UVM: “ **Well** I wasn’t going to try and take her on  **_WITHOUT BACKUP!!!_ ** ...... Side’s, she startled me.” 

The highly muscular masked man replied angrily, though he fidgeted with the hem of his costume and looked down at his feet as he spoke the last part.

 

Letterguy: “But, what about The Stapling Avenger? We still have to go back for him!”

 

Bunnyman: “The Stapling Avenger’s already done for! We got ourselves to think about! As I keep telling you, she could show up at any minute!!”

 

The Weasel: “…. I say we split up.”

 

UVM: “ **_WHAT!_ ** ”

 

Earman: “Yeah! Haven’t you ever seen a horror movie? They  _ always _ split up, and it never ever  _ EVER _ turns out well for them.”

 

**“~Awwww, why should you let that stop you? I say we hear the bozo out, I think his plan might have some merit~”**

 

The Weasel: “Thank you, now as I was say………..”

 

The realization sinks in, and they all look to the landing above them, where they see the Chainsaw Vigilante laying casually alongside the edge of the roof, looking very smug, before making a lazy motion with one hand and saying,

 

 “ **Now how about we put the crybaby’s on the left, and the heavy bleeders can go on the right. And if you happen to fit into both categories, don’t worry, I’m sure we can all figure this thing out.** ”

 

With a tremendous simultaneous scream, the superheroes scatter in opposite directions, with Letterguy and The Weasel heading in one direction, and Earman, Bunnyman, and Ultra Violence Man heading the other way.

 

“ **Well whado you know? Looks like that worked out perfectly.** ”

 She says with a smile as she gets to her feet.   
  


“ **Now let's see here. Ennie, meannie, miney,……..….** **_Moe_ ** **.** ”

 

Picking up her chainsaw and pulling the rip-cord, she leaps off the roof and sprints after The Weasel and Letterguy.

 

An intense chase begins, the two heroes beating feet in a flat out terror sprint as they hear the rumbling of her chainsaw steadily growing nearer, the two hero's not being able to compete with the long easy strides of the lanky antagonist despite their considerable adrenaline boost.

 

The two of them race down a nearby fire escape and into the alleyways below, clumsily sprinting through the maze of back alleys and blindly taking every fork in their way at random in an attempt to lose her. But as they sprint around their final turn, to their horror they find it to be a dead end, while behind them, The Chainsaw Vigilante comes into view. 

Skidding slightly to make the sharp turn, she stops at the entrance to the alley, an evil smile playing across her mask as she raises her weapon slightly and slowly advances on the cowering, cornered superheroes, who just as slowly back up closer and closer to the wall behind them, until their backs pressed against the bricks, and tears start to run down the face of Letterguy as he grips a trembling Weasel in a tight fear-hug.

 

The Weasel: “Why didn't you guys try harder to talk me out of coming! You didn't warn me nearly enough how scary they would be!!!”

 

Letterguy: “I’m sorry! I thought she wouldn’t be as scary in the daytime… But I was wrong!!”

  
  


Casting a menacing shadow as she stood silhouetted at the entrance to the ally, she, as usual, gives the heroes one last chance to give up.

“ **Renounce your asinine quests to uphold your own flawed brand of justice at the expense of  the innocent people around you, or suffer the agony of a thousand painful cuts cowards!** ”

 

The two men exchange a glance with one another, each of them steeling their resolve, with Letterguy letting go of his tight grip on The Weasel, before they both turned to face her and took up a fighting stance, The Weasel mumbling under his breath,   
  


“Aww man, this is gonna hurt… Why didn’t I just stay in The City and fight Apocalypse Cow with the rest of them?”

 

“ **…No takers? How** **_brave_ ** **of you.**

**And by brave, I mean** **_COMPLETELY STUPID_ ** **.**

**Well then, let’s see if you’ve got any of that foolhardy spirit left when your costumes are nothing but a pile of gaudy ribbons soaked in your own blood...** ”

 

But then, suddenly, a commanding voice echoes from the sky with a shout of

 

“ _ HALT! _ ”

 

Looking up at the source of the command, the three of them see the silhouette of a muscular caped figure floating in midair, his body language giving off an air of noble defiance.

 

Slowly, he drifted down to earth, the details of his costume coming into greater clarity.

His outfit resembled that of a Greek warrior, with a bronze chest plate and a simply designed helmet of polished bronze resting on the top of his head and leaving his face visible, with the elegant red-fur crest adorning it matching his long red cape. 

In one hand he held a small circular shield, and his tall laced sandals were adorned with small wings at the ankles. 

He touched down softly, but maintained his stern body posture. Placing himself between her and the two terrified superheroes, with neither him nor Chainsaw Vigilante breaking their intense, fiery gaze with each other as he crossed his arms against his chest and narrowed his eyes to an almost threatening squint.

 

“Chainsaw Vigilante….”

  
“……….. **_Perseus_ ** ”


	4. Flashbacks and Backstories

A long tense silence passes between the Greek themed hero and the chainsaw wielding villain, while behind them Letterguy and The Weasel look from one to the other in confusion.

Working up a bit or courage, The Weasel walks up behind Perseus; leaning in to whisper,   
  


“Do you two know each other?” 

 

Not breaking his gaze, he replies simply,   
  


“We have a history…”     
  


Before he takes a step forward and speaks to Chainsaw Vigilante directly   
  


“Mind if I have a word with you….”   
  


His eyes glance over his superhero peers,   
  


“In  _ private _ ?”

 

Not waiting for an answer, he turns and walks out of the alleyway, the fierce gaze of Chainsaw Vigilante following him as he passes by, if anything getting more aggressive at the bold, unconcerned attitude he treated her with.   

 

Shooting her gaze back at the other two heroes, who in contrast flinch at her menacing expression, it changes to a satisfied smirk at their look of fear, before she turns and follows Perseus out of the alley.

  
  
  


When the two rivals finally turned the corner and out of sight, Letterguy let out a huge sigh of relief.

 

“Phew, that was a close one.”

 

The Weasel on the other hand, regarded what had happened with curiosity, stealthily taking a few steps forward and looking around the corner to see if they really had gone, before heading back to Letterguy and asking,   
  


“What’s with Perseus and The Chainsaw Vigilante?” 

 

“You mean you don’t know?”    
he replies, an eyebrow raised in slight confusion and surprise.

 

 “Well…”

The Weasel responds a bit timidly,   
  


“I think I’ve heard bits and pieces of something involving Perseus and… _ Them _ .”

 

“Oh yeah that’s right, I forgot you only moved here recently, so you weren’t there when it happened. Not to worry though, I’d be happy to get you up to speed!”

 

Letterguy composed himself, taking a more confident stance and leaning against a nearby wall in preparation to tell the story.

Had this been a comic, this would have no doubt been shown as a flashback… but it isn’t, so you’ll just have to use your own personal thought bubbles instead.

  
“Well you see, it all started about a year ago…………

 

It was a dark time, when these twin cities were on the brink of a crime wave.  

Barely a few days earlier, a crack team of thieves had sleazed their way into our fair cities, and had started wreaking havoc among the innocent populous.

Of course, eager to do our civic duty, we leapt into action to stop these wicked criminals once and for all….

But the Chainsaw Vigilante had other ideas, having similarly appeared out of the shadows without warning about a month or two earlier, beginning their unexplained war against all costumed heroes, and standing in our way at every turn to obstruct the justice we were trying to bring to our community!

 

Tensions were running high, with the Chainsaw Vigilante growing in power and notoriety despite all our best efforts to stop them, until we finally reached a breaking point, which resulted in one of the greatest catastrophes these cities superheroes had ever seen!

And I should know, cus I was actually there for this one!

 

The awful, humiliating day when the Chainsaw Vigilante defeated all two hundred and thirty five of the twin cities heroes in a single night!”

 

The Weasel: “You’re kidding me!! Over two hundred superheroes…. In a single night!?”

  
  


Letterguy: “Yes! The entire superhero population of the twin cities area was defeated that night!

 

From what I heard later from those first on the scene, the criminals I spoke about earlier were caught in the act of breaking into the safe of the local bank, and were about to be brought to justice, but then THEY appeared to once again obstruct the forces of truth and righteousness, and a fight broke out!

 

Word of the fight spread quickly for miles around, and soon every available hero came to answer the call to battle!...”

 

The Weasel: “Wait a minute, are you telling me that a single bank robbery getting interrupted by the Chainsaw Vigilante was enough to draw in over two hundred superheroes from miles around?”

 

Letterguy: “Well yes, as I said, every available hero answered the call.”

 

The Weasel: “And you also said that every superhero in the city was defeated that night.”

 

Letterguy: “That’s right.”

 

The Weasel: “Are you telling me that not a single superhero in the entirety of the twin cities area had anything better to do than to show up at this one, single bank robbery?! Nobody had any supervillains they needed to fight?  Or orphans to rescue from a burning building? Or cats to save from a tree?”

 

Letterguy: “Look do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?”

 

The Weasel:” Right, my mistake. So… just how did the Chainsaw Vigilante defeat over two hundred superheroes in a single night? I mean I knew they were tough, But I didn’t think they were THAT tough! I mean, she’s supposed to be just a scary lady with a chainsaw right?”

 

Letterguy: “Just a lady with a chainsaw…Pfft, hardly! You ask me there’s something unnatural about the Chainsaw Vigilante. Something sinister and evil that goes beyond normal human comprehension! Like some vile avatar of vengeance against all those who think to wear a costume, sent to punish us for every slip up, every act of selfishness, every time our actions put the average man, woman, and child on the street at risk rather than ensuring their safety. And it’s a retribution she takes against all who think to wear a costume and call themselves “super”, whether they are guilty or not!

I even hear they entered an unholy pact with the devil!!!!”

  
  


The Weasel now looked positively terrified, his eyes wide and his body trembling as he stood there, thoroughly regretting having ever even considered going on this absurd endeavor to try and figure out her secret identity. Honestly what was he thinking!

  
  


 Letterguy: “But anyway, as I was saying,”  

 

He continued, oblivious of The Weasels terror.

 

“Word of the fight had spread for miles around, and more and more superheroes came to join in the fray, but one after another… hero after hero was defeated!

Busman, The Hun-man, Heavy Metal Rocker, some of the toughest the twin cities had to offer and she brought them all down like it was nothing. Even as more and more heroes arrived on the scene and entered the fray, it seemed to do little to stop them, until Perseus arrived to intervene!

 

They engaged in an epic battle, and for awhile they seemed evenly matched, The mighty Perseus being able to hold the Chainsaw Vigilante at bay where other heroes could not, until the Chainsaw Vigilante delivered her ultimatum.

Shouting out an epic and really hurtful speech denouncing the worth of all superheroes, they demanded that we all go into retirement and return to our lives as normal citizens, and then... she defeated Perseus as well.

 

Those of us who hadn’t already fallen in battle, just didn’t have the will to carry on after that, and accepted Chainsaw Vigilantes demands, renouncing their titles as superheroes, and going back to their day jobs.

 

I myself had to watch as each of my team members turned away from the fight and headed home, no matter what I said to try and convince them to carry on as The Civic Minded Five.   
  


But it was too late, and there was no use.

So in a moment of weakness, I too gave up my mask for a time.

 

And although, as you can see, I later came out of retirement to continue my career as a superhero, still to this very day there are many who never came out of that forced retirement.  

I hear it even drove some to super- VILLAINY since then.”

 

The Weasel: “Wow… sounds like it was a pretty epic night. But what does it have to do with what’s going on between Perseus and the Chainsaw Vigilante?”

 

Letterguy: “I was getting to that, cuz you see, now here’s the kicker;

It turns out that the Chainsaw Vigilante had indeed made a grave mistake in FORCING the entire superhero community into an early retirement like that!

Because the very next day, a supervillain showed up to attack the cities in the form of a giant naked man who was as tall as any skyscraper, and called himself…. _ The Tumor. _

__

And you know what? Chainsaw Vigilante had the arrogance, the unmitigated gall!! To go out and ask us superheroes to come back out of retirement to go deal with the supervillain!

Barely a day after they forced us to give it all up! 

And then, get this, she even said once we had rallied ourselves together and collectively come out of retirement to take care of the supervillain, she was gonna go and beat us up again!!”

  
  


The Weasel: “….Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything more hypocritical… Although she is a supervillain, so I guess that kind of vile, villainous deceit is to be expected.”

 

Letterguy: “Yeah, just don’t call her that to her face, Chainsaw Vigilante HATES it when people do that, just ask Arachnolad.”

 

The Weasel: “She doesn’t like being called hypocritical?”

 

 Letterguy: “What? No… well maybe, but not as much as they don’t like being called a supervillain.”

 

The Weasel: “Wait really? Why would they get mad at something like that? That’s what she is isn’t she?”

 

Letterguy: “Nobody knows why she doesn't like it. We just know not to do it. Otherwise they won’t show you ANY mercy.”

 

The Weasel: “You mean what happened to The Stapling Avenger a few minutes ago was merciful!!”

 

Letterguy:  “Compared to what happens when you call her a supervillain yeah.

Seriously, you don’t want to mess with the Chainsaw Vigilante….. but we’re getting off topic, I still gotta finish the rest of the story!

 

The Weasel: “Yeah, you still haven’t explained what happened between her and Perseus.”

 

Letterguy: “Right.

So as you could imagine, when Chainsaw Vigilante went around telling the heroes her plans for them to come out of retirement, only for her to immediately go right back to beating them up again, there were some heroes who were going to have none of that, and instead decided they were going to come back out of retirement on their own terms, and take out both The Tumor, and the Chainsaw Vigilante, once and for all!”

 

The Weasel: “So which side were you on?”

 

Letterguy: “The winning one.”

 

The Weasel: “And which one was that?”

 

Letterguy: “Well... uhhhhh…. How about I just continue on with the story?

So, as some of the twin cities superheroes rallied themselves to go face The Tumor, others made it their focus to take on the Chainsaw Vigilante, but as we all got together to collectively take down The Tumor, it was hard to tell who belonged to either side, as we all cooperated like we normally would while we got to work bringing down the giant man.

 

For a while, it seemed like things were gonna go pretty smoothly. After all, The Tumor was really slow moving, as if his sudden change in size had left him only able to move in slow motion, and up until now, he hadn’t shown any signs of aggression….

 

In retrospect we really should have picked up on those red flags from the beginning, because just as we were starting our attack, the Chainsaw Vigilante appeared on the scene and started attacking us superheroes yet again!

Only this time, she was shouting that we had to stop, about making a huge mistake, and that The Tumor was an innocent man, not a supervillain.

 

It was then that those who sought to get rid of the Chainsaw Vigilante revealed themselves.

 

Having formed a Superhero team the previous evening, they called themselves _The_ _Retributioners_. And with the appearance of the Chainsaw Vigilante, they announced their plan to be rid of her once and for all, and encouraged all the other superheroes that had come out of retirement to fight The Tumor to join their cause as well.

And most of them did, right there on the spot.”

  
  


The Weasel: “Did you?”

  
  


Letterguy: “Well, to be honest I probably would have, but I was already a part of The Civic Minded Five, and each of us had made an agreement to go over it with the other members of the team before we joined any other superhero clubs, and even though we had kind of disband when Chainsaw Vigilante defeated all the heroes, I still figured I’d better go over it with the guys just to be safe.”

 

The Weasel: “Wow…. that actually sounded pretty noble of you. I mean The Retributioners sounds totally awesome, it couldn’t have been easy to give up on joining such an awesome sounding superhero team.”

 

Letterguy: “Yeah well,”

He responded a bit smugly,

 

Leyterguy: “We all have to make sacrifices, and it’s better to stick with your comrades than to chase after every flashy new thing that came along.

Side’s, me and Oddman work in the same cubicle. If I were to have betrayed them I might never have heard the end of it.

 

So, as I was saying, The Retributioners called off the attack on The Tumor in favor of chasing after the Chainsaw Vigilante. Now as I said, I wasn’t one of them, but from what I heard from some of my friends who had joined up, it was a pretty exciting chase.

 

The heroes had her on the run, the faster of them catching up to the Chainsaw Vigilante and trying to trip them up, or at least slow them down enough for the huge group of superheroes lagging a bit behind to reach her; the lot of them chasing after her like a herd of angry bulls. 

Some of them tried firing their superhero weapons and gear as well, but she was so wily, she would just knock the faster of the heroes into the way of fire with her fists or chainsaw.

 But even then they still were gaining, and gaining on her, until just as it looked like the heroes might finally bring her down, Chainsaw Vigilante disappeared!

 

Like, poof, gone! And nobody could seem to find her! And needless to say, this got the leaders of the Retributioners really,  _ really  _ mad.

 

But back with The Tumor, things were getting kinda hairy. 

All the superheroes attacking him like that had left him pretty spooked, and with almost all of the superheroes having left to go chase after the Chainsaw Vigilante, there was hardly anything stopping him from destroying the city around him!

 

So, relying on our superhero instincts, those of us who had remained did our best to get the nearby citizens to safety.

I personally ended up saving at least seven people from the falling wreckage that day.”

*he said perhaps a little too smugly before continuing on*

 

Letterguy: “But as we were doing our best to minimize the collateral damage and get everyone to safety, I see Perseus come and fly in.

 

Now I couldn’t really see too much of what was going on, because he was way up high in front of The Tumors face, which had to be at least 20-something stories off the ground, but it looked like he was trying to communicate with The Tumor, but it wasn’t going so well, so he flew to one of the nearby billboards and carved something into the surface of it, presumably to communicate with the giant man.

Now I couldn’t see what it said from where I stood, but it seemed to work, because The Tumor calmed down considerably after that.

 

Perseus then swooped down and said to us remaining heroes,

“Whatever you do, don’t attack The Tumor! He’s not evil! Do not Attack Him!!!”

 

Before he sped off, looking to be in a real hurry.

I stayed to help pull people out of the wreckage for awhile, before I suddenly get a message on my pager for the Civic Minded Five to assemble, and meet back at the home base immediately!

So I dashed back, and you’ll never guess who I found there….”

 

The Weasel: “Who!?”

 

Letterguy: “None other... than Perseus and Chainsaw Vigilante! Chatting it up with the other members of my team!”

The Weasel: “No way!!”

 

Letterguy:  “Yes way!! 

Apparently Chainsaw Vigilante and Perseus had made some sort of truce, and it turned out that us, The Civic Minded Five I mean, were the only team they knew of that hadn’t joined up with The Retributioners yet, and that they needed our help in protecting The Tumor.

As proof of his innocence, they had brought an answering machine that had made a recording of the whale noises The Tumor had been making all day, and by rewinding the tape, and then fast forwarding it to play the tape at high speed, we could clearly hear the giant say, ‘Please! My name is Edward, Help me! Why won’t anyone listen!?’ before the Chainsaw Vigilante quickly stopped the tape before it could say anything further.”

 

The Weasel: “So how did you know it wasn’t some sort of trick?”

 

Letterguy: “Well, we didn’t, but we had never known Perseus to lie before, and even if the Chainsaw Vigilante was tricking him for some nefarious reason, it was like he said. 

We’re superheroes, and as far as we knew, there was an innocent man in danger, and it was our job to protect him, even if that meant going against our own friends and allies. That no matter what, it was still our duty to do what was right. 

So we went along with their plan.

 

Half of us, along with Perseus, were to go out and spread the word to the other heroes about The Tumor’s innocence, while the rest of us were to track down any information we could about The Tumor, with the goal of finding out a way to cure him somehow. 

The Chainsaw Vigilante on the other hand, refused to participate, saying they planned to lie low until this was all over with, and leave all the work up to us superheroes. Complaining about being tired of dealing with us ‘pajama wearing dweebs’ and that we could deal with our own mess for once. They’d had enough.

 

Perseus did his best to try and convince Chainsaw Vigilante to stay and help, but she wouldn’t hear any of it, instead taking the answering machine and leaving with one last ‘ I’m outta here losers’ before he could even say much of anything. 

Not that many of us minded though, we didn’t want to work with her anyway.

 

I went with the group assigned to look for information on The Tumor, or rather I should say Edward, and before long we were able to track him to his point of origin, a hospital in the downtown area that had been damaged when he first grew to his terrific size. 

Before long, we were able to track down his physician, who told us that they knew about his condition and had been planning to call in a specialist to help take care of the problem, but in all the commotion they hadn’t been able to get an appointment made.

But after explaining the situation, they agreed to alert the authorities and get the specialist flown over immediately to return Edward to his normal size, which all in all, would probably take a few hour’s time.

 

But it turns out we didn’t have that long to spare.

 

Across the entire Deertown-Hobbleville twin cities area, the superhero emergency alert broadcast began to sound. And although all the heroes who knew of it had sworn that it only be used in an emergency, and as a last resort, The Retributioners had decided to use it for a decidedly different reason.

I can still remember the sinking sense of dread I felt when I heard the message come in over the tv….

 

[Citizens of the twin cities area. We regret this intrusion upon your mundane lives, but know that it is a necessary annoyance in the fight to purge our cities of the evil and crime that has nested within it. 

So please good citizens, bear with us for a moment, because this is a message for The Chainsaw Vigilante.

 

We have been humiliated for the last time Chainsaw Vigilante… So, you seek to obstruct justice do you? Well I’ve got news for you villainous scum, you’ll never stop us, for we represent a beacon of hope for this city. 

A hope that the good do not have to languish under the shadow of crime, that it is something that can be fought against, and that good can and will triumph over it, just as it is going to triumph today.

We are going to drive this giant monster out of our cities, as is our duty as superheroes, and _regardless_ of whatever _lies_ you try to tell us _Chainsaw_ _Vigilante_.

And I dare you to try and stop us, or better yet, why don’t you just turn yourself in.

Maybe that way, we could remove two tumors from our city…..]

 

Worried for Edwards safety, the rest of the team and I rushed over to stop them before they tried to hurt him, positive that the Chainsaw Vigilante would never give in to their demands, and worried that it might drive The Retributioners to go and do something rash…. but we were wrong, they hadn’t needed an excuse for it.

 As we neared the giant man, we could see that they had already had him beaten and tied down.

 

They had already won the fight ages ago, they had just been keeping him in the city to be used as bait.

And likewise, we were wrong about Chainsaw Vigilante refusing to get involved….

 

Apparently putting Edward in danger had been enough to draw them out despite the overwhelming odds, although it was clear that she wasn’t there to surrender either.

But at least at first, Chainsaw Vigilante tried to at least talk things out.

But since her method of “taking things out” mostly consisted of saying things like,

 

“ **I am here to protect an innocent man, from a dangerous group of fussy overgrown children in their pajamas.”**

 

It’s really not all that surprising when negotiations fell through.

But it was surprising how many turned against The Retributioners to defend Chainsaw Vigilante when the inevitable fight broke out. It seemed that the other half of the Civic Minded Five along with Perseus had done a pretty good job in getting the word out about The Tumor’s innocence, and the resulting fight was totally _ EPIC!!!  _

 

There I was, shooting my mail gun left and right, wrapping up heroes in snug inescapable cocoons of paper letters, up until I was brought down by Trauma-Girls powers of emotional instability! It was nut’s!”

*he said with a hint of laughter*

 

Letterguy: “But it turned out that Trauma-Girl was actually on our side! 

But since the Retributioners hadn’t exactly done anything to differentiate themselves from the other heroes, we still couldn’t really tell who was who! And it was glorious absolute chaos!

And I guess during the fight Chainsaw Vigilante got to cutting Edward loose from his bonds and getting him out of there, and it sure took him awhile to get moving, but once he did, man, the whole city shook!

 

Now I wasn’t able to see much past there, but from what I hear, Chainsaw Vigilante had caught a ride while Edward had run to the very edge of the city limits, along with a few of the leaders of the Retributioners, and they ended up having a final battle of sorts, with the Chainsaw Vigilante coming out on top, and the day basically being saved, with the medical expert arriving soon after to return Edward to normal and everyone savoring in their victory!

….Right up until Chainsaw Vigilante started beating the tar out of all us superheroes once again.

 

But regardless, it seems that to this very day, whatever truce Perseus and the Chainsaw Vigilante had made during the event still stands, and while the precise terms of this deal they had made still remains a mystery, we do know at least this.

That because of the deal Perseus had made, the Chainsaw Vigilante can never again rid the twin cities of all their superheroes.….

Also that Perseus and the Chainsaw Vigilante basically never mess with one another because of it.”

 

The Weasel: “Wait, but didn’t they fight last month?”

 

Letterguy: “I said  _ BASICALLY _ never mess with one another.”

 

The Weasel: “Oh, right…. Well that does explain a lot…..Honestly? I’m surprised nobody told me this story sooner. I mean, I hear so many stories from the other heroes about things like foiling a robbery or pulling over someone with expired license plates on their car, but all this time they’ve been sitting on a real doozy like this and hardly anyone even mentions all the juicy bits of the story. It’s like starting a comic series and having to end on issue #3, right after you start getting invested in it, but right before any of the really good stuff starts happening! ”

 

Letterguy: Ahhh well, at least most of the other spinoff series did alright; I mean The Man Eating Cow got like what, ten issues?

 

The Weasel: Yeah……. So you wanna go eavesdrop on Perseus and the Chainsaw Vigilante?

 

Letterguy: What are you nuts?! I don’t want to risk breaking whatever deal those two made and getting the Chainsaw Vigilante to drive every superhero in the twin cities back into retirement again! 

And who knows what Perseus had to do to get that deal in the first place! I don’t wanna get wrapped up in any of that!

 

The Weasel: Yeah….. that’s a good point. I guess we’ll just wait here then.

 

Letterguy: Or we could try and make a break for it?

 

The Weasel: Also a good plan.


	5. Old friends

Chainsaw vigilante leaned against a wall, looking to be in a foul mood, her chainsaw in one hand and a rag in the other, polishing the shiny blades of her weapon and making a decided point to avoid any eye contact as she waits for Perseus to return, who had flown off to do a quick perimeter check and make sure they were absolutely alone.

Her eyes glance up from her work briefly as Perseus lands beside her and removes his helmet, showing his face more clearly, which looked relatively handsome, but at the moment was riddled with worry as he approached her with a sigh and said,

 

“When are we going to stop doing this to ourselves Hayley?”

 

“ **Why don’t you tell me KEVIN?** ”    
she responds sharply, still avoiding eye contact.

 

“Come on, don’t be like that Hayley.” 

 

His tone making her gaze snap up at him with a look of irritation.

  
“ **Well excuuuuuuse me for getting a bit sick and tired of your lectures.** ”

 

“Hayley, we’re best friends!”    
He pleaded 

  
“Have been since high school! You think I’m not allowed to worry about you? And what this whole Chainsaw Vigilante thing is doing to you?”

 

She raises an eyebrow, her eyes glancing up and down at his costume pointedly 

  
“I could say the same thing to you, but we both know you never listen to that,  **do you** ?”

She stows the rag back in her pocket and holsters the chainsaw across her back.

  
“But what really bugs me, is that you’ve been spying on me again, haven’t you.”

 

He points at her accusingly in response, irritation starting to show in his voice 

  
“HEY! I’m trying to look out for a friend! I am NOT spying….look, just take off your mask and talk to me?”

 

“ **_Sorry Kevin,_ ** ” 

she replies, her tone starting to get condescending 

  
“But not all of us can just put on a pair of glasses and become an entirely different person.  _ I can’t believe I actually fell for that so long _ . I mean really, all you did was put on a thick pair of glasses, stop SLOUCHING, and change your hair! I mean sure you’ve got that goofy looking helmet as well, but come ON! I seriously  _ CAN NOT _ believe I ever fell for that.    
But then again it is hard to pay attention to a person's face when they're wearing such a  _ stupid looking helmet _ .”

 

“Well you’re not one to talk. That mask of yours is pretty ridiculous as well.”    
He replies, a hint of a smile coming back to his face.

 

“Suuuure, go tell that to all the three hundred pound muscle men I’ve got wetting their pants.” 

A slight smirk on her face as well 

  
“But still, I’ve got a lot more to lose than you do if my identity ever got out.”

 

“Well, you have gotten pretty secretive lately haven’t you? You don’t even have friends anymore do you? No job, no hobbies,”

 

“Actually, I make wooden chainsaw sculptures.” 

She interjects.

 

“Wait, really?”

 

“Yeah, you’d think with all that _spying_ _on_ _me_ you’ve been doing you would have noticed.”

 

“I haven’t been spying on you!  *Sigh* Look what I mean is, do you have any hobbies you can actually make friends at?”

  
She's silent at that. 

  
“Exactly. Heck, you’re not even a real super-villain, so you can’t even hang out with the criminals.”

 

A wide mocking smile forms across her face at that. 

  
“Now there’s something you don’t hear every day. A goodie two-shoes super dweeb trying to get his best friend to socialize with the super-villains.”

 

“W-wait, no, that’s not what I meant, I…” 

he stammers back,

  
But she cuts him off.

 

“Look, we’ve done this dance before, and it always turns out the same way. We try to put aside our differences, forget the fact that we’ve pretty much dedicated our lives to trying to obliterate one another, but eventually we start to find that I can’t let it go that you’re a superhero, and surprise surprise, neither can you.

What, you think I don’t miss having you around or something? Because I do.

But as much as I try to tolerate what you do, I don’t think you can do the same for me. You’re a do-gooder superhero, through and through. Hell, I’d almost even say you’re someone worth respecting, and that means a heck of a lot coming from someone like me. But no matter what, you always will try to squash out ‘evil’ ”

 

She says putting the word in mock quotation marks with her fingers

 

“Even the necessary ones, like me, while ignoring the intrusive, harmful behavior of your fellow ‘heroes’ because ‘they mean well’.”   
Doing the finger quotes once again.

 

“Well newsflash Kevin. I do a service to these cities and its people just as much as you do, if not more! 

Because there are literally hundreds of you spandex freaks running around thinking that because they get to work outside of the law, that they never have to face any consequences that don’t involve giant monsters or supervillains. 

That they can freely act at the expense of all the normal people around them and exploit them for their own sick amusement as they play out their absurd childhood fantasies.

You know how many people I’ve had to save from multiple compound fractures just this past month?!”

 

“Well, if they were committing a crime then….”

 

“IT SHOULDN’T MATTER IF THEY WERE COMMITTING A CRIME OR NOT! THAT IS ALMOST NEVER AN APPROPRIATE LEVEL OF FORCE TO BE USING AGAINST SOMEONE!! 

And hell I’ve seen a lot of what you heroes would call crimes.

Jaywalking? Having a turn signal light in your car go out? Opening a street vendor without a permit? ‘Inappropriate displays of public affection’?  You call those crimes? Because a lot of the heroes I’ve seen think those are crimes worthy of knocking someone's teeth out.”

 

“Hey, we’ve been getting a lot better about dealing with minor offences like those within the twin cities.”

 

“Yeah!! Because I’ve been around to beat some sense into you blockheads!!!”

 

He throws up his hands in irritation as he replies 

  
“I know, I know! Why do you think I let you keep being the Chainsaw Vigilante in the first place? You do the whole watch the watchmen thing, I get it already.”

 

“Do you? Do you really? Because it seems to me that at end of the day, you’re still acting the ‘shining hero’, and still treating me as the ‘terrifying psychopath’.

And heck man, we aren’t even flat-mate’s anymore. How the hell are we supposed to act like we live a few doors away from each other when we don’t?” 

 

Covering up the emotion that was starting to show in her voice, she quickly switched the topic to something a bit more combative with a smirk back on her face.   
  


“And I think it’s debatable about who’s letting who do what here, need I remind you how thoroughly I’ve been able to kick your butt even before we found out who each of us really were behind the outfits.”

 

“But that’s my point! I see you beat up the best the twin cities have to offer on a regular basis, including myself! In fact, you’re probably one of the toughest in the entire tri-state area! If you were on the side of justice you could probably accomplish amazing things and save many lives!

I mean sure you might save a few people from a couple of injuries, or make sure that a few peoples day doesn’t get needlessly interrupted by the cities heroes, but what is saving someone’s afternoon from being spoiled compared to legitimately saving someone’s life? 

Making sure some innocent civilian lives to see another day should be worth a million little daily annoyances!”

 

“Yeah? Well maybe when those ‘ _ little daily annoyances’ _ aren’t actually numbering in the millions I might consider doing something else with my free time.”

 

“And by ‘free time’ I’m assuming you mean ‘anything but being a superhero’.”

his tone starting to get a bit condescending.

 

“And there you go! Proving my point! No matter how many times I try to explain it to you, you can’t seem to understand that doing good things isn’t exclusive to superheroes!”

 

“And you can’t seem to accept that you’re practically a superhero already! I mean you wear a costume, you use gadgets, you have a secret identity, and you work outside of the law for the good of the common man. 

You’re pretty much already a superhero, if you were just to admit it to yourself you could…”

 

“Yeah I’m just gonna stop you right there before you go and make an ass of yourself for the ten millionth time. I already told you I’m not here to listen to another one of your lectures.”

 

“Oh yeah…. sorry.”

 

“ *Sigh* look, Kevin. It seems like we only ever bump into each other in costume, and when we don’t, it’s so awkward, it hardly worth it at all.

Things just aren’t the same anymore, and maybe we should just admit that. 

Now, why don’t you get back to those ‘ _ friends _ ’ of yours. I’m going home. All this drama is exhausting.”

 

Before she continues in a more joking tone,    
  
“Now I’ll admit I can be a bit of a drama queen myself, but I can’t stand too much of this serious stuff, leave it to Perseus to turn something into a Greek tragedy.”

 

“Well, that is one of my stronger talents.”

  
He responds equally jokingly.

 

She snickers a bit and shakes her head at that before turning to leave, saying as she waves back at him over her shoulder

  
“Adios amigo. Don’t make me beat you to a bloody pulp like last month.”

 

“That reminds me!” he shouts after her, “you still owe me for that dry cleaning bill!”

 

She casually flips him the bird over one shoulder while saying jokingly 

  
“ **Suck eggs hero!** ”

 

He chuckles despite himself as he puts his helmet back on and flies off to where the other two heroes stood, who were still debating Perseus’s relationship between Chainsaw Vigilante. As opposed to using this opportunity to run as would probably be the much smarter option in these sort of situations, and were currently building on the idea of Chainsaw Vigilante being some sort of demon that Perseus had made a binding pact with. But they quickly shut their traps when he floats down to the ground beside them.

 

“So, uhhhhhhh, how did it go?”    
asked Letterguy carefully

 

“Well,” 

Perseus replied cheerfully 

  
“It went alright. She even agreed not to beat you guys up today….I think……... You know what, maybe you two should stick close just in case.”

 

The Letterguy and The Weasel exchange a nervous glance with one another, then follow Perseus, closely, out of the alley, their eyes still darting around with every turn of a corner for any sign of the dreaded Chainsaw Vigilante.


	6. Whatever happened to the super-zero's?

Things had gotten pretty quiet lately for Chainsaw Vigilante, so she had been making sculptures more often than usual. Which was especially odd considering this was despite job searching and some temp work already taking a lot of time from her normal schedule.

So after yet another uneventful night of wandering the streets without so much as a single superhero causing trouble, she decides to call it a day and head over to the warehouse once again to work on her latest project.

 

Opening the big sliding metal doors, she steps inside and flicked the lights on, Illuminating the interior... and a small note taped to the wall just below the switch.

 

Curious, and a little alarmed by this, she viciously rip’s it off the wall, temper rising as she sees the sloppy, childlike handwriting of the note and mumbling,

 

“ _ Must have been left by that obnoxious little kid… _ ”

 

She looks down to see small, freshly made child-sized footprints in the sawdust covering the floor, which confirmed her suspicions. But thankfully, they didn’t reach very far into the warehouse before turning around and leaving again. So at least he didn’t go and snoop around that much. Not that it really helped in regards to her mood.

 

**“How many times do I have to tell that little brat to stay out of my warehouse!? I’m a terrifying chainsaw wielding badass! Is once honestly not enough to get the point across to this blockhead!!”**

 

She says angrily as she begins to read the note. The kids writing looking like he had been extra careful in making sure it was legible. It read,

 

_ Please help. My parents have disappeared and I don’t know what to do. You know that they are superheroes and I can’t tell the police or they might find out. Their superhero names are earthquake and tsunami, _

 

“Wow”

 she says to herself.    
  


“The brat has some real heavy hitters for parents”

The note continuing with

_ I went to my friend’s house because His dad is a superhero too, although I’m not going to say which one since he would get really mad if I told you, but his dad disappeared too! If you see them, or know where they are, or what happened to them, then please help them. I’m really scared. _

 

Her face twists into an annoyed scowl

 

“Oh  _ pul-ease _ . I walk the kid home _ once _ , and then suddenly the nuisance thinks I’ll just go against everything I stand for and actually help out a superhero, just because mommy and daddy probably came home late.”

 

She scrunches up the note into a ball.   
  


“You’d think that kid would have an ounce of sense about him with these sort of things, especially with his parents being superheroes.”   
  


She starts to head to the back of the warehouse and her most recent sculpture

 

“But then again, now that I think about it, that’s probably where he gets his thick skull from.”   
  


 She tosses the scrunched up note onto the pile of scrap wood like she were shooting a basketball   
  


“Three points, and the crowd goes wiiiiiiiillllld.”   
  


before putting on her safety goggles over her mask and firing up her chainsaw, and slicing the first mark in the featureless hunk of wood in front of her.

  
  
  


Some time later, she turns off her chainsaw, having completed the rough outline of a human skull, and checks her watch.   
  


“Well, back to work.”   
  


She mumbles to herself as she dusts off her chainsaw and sheaths it across her back.   
  


“Not like the heroes are gonna slice themselves to ribbons with a chainsaw.   
Or….well, at least not since that klutz Lumber-Jane moved away.”

 

Shutting down the large flood-lights around her work station, she leaves the warehouse and heads back into the city.  

  
  


Her shadow stretches out in front of her as she wanders down the back alleyways, keeping her eyes peeled for any sign of movement. She rests her hands in her pockets casually as she whistles a happy tune, intentionally making it sound eerie and ominous with the echoing of the enclosed street, a tactic she finds useful for keeping any unseen superhero’s on edge as it really creeps them out.  

She pauses in her whistling as she hears a commotion, and a brief moment spent listening lets her know that it’s coming from the nearby street.  

Expecting the noise to either be caused by, or to draw in superheroes looking to ‘help’ she unsheathes her chainsaw and stealthily rushes over. Slowing to a halt at the entrance to the alleyway and hiding in the shadows within view of what, incredibly, looked like a purse snatching.

 

Now be aware, this was something that was exceptionally rare in a city so saturated with superheroes there was practically one on every street corner, with many of them ready to break the legs of any ‘criminal’ they encounter. 

But some never learn she supposed.

 

She watches silently from the shadows, her eyes reflexively scanning the alleyways and rooftops for any sign of the obligatory superhero to show up and ‘save the day’ with some grandiose flourish and cheesy monologue.

But the seconds tick by, as the man yanks the purse from the shouting woman’s hands, and still… nothing.

 

What the heck was going on? Usually by now AT LEAST three or four heroes would have shown up to stop it.

 

“ _ Where the hell are they _ ?”    
  


she says under her breath to herself, starting to get antsy as the purse snatcher had begun to take off down the street, laughing and mocking the woman who still tried to chase him, but wasn’t doing so great a job of it thanks to her high heels and tight pencil skirt.

 

The seconds tick down as the man nears Chainsaw Vigilante’s alley, with still not a single superhero in sight to stop him.

She bites her lip under her mask, unsure of what to do, but then decides   
  


“ **Awww screw it.** ”   
  


and steps out of the alleyway in front of the purse snatcher, who was still looking behind him in order to mock the chasing woman.

But he’s tipped off when the woman freezes, covering her mouth with her hands to try and hide her shock, which prompts the man to look in front of him.

 

His shoes make a loud squeak as he screeches to a halt about a foot away from crashing into Chainsaw Vigilante, before he comically leaps back in alarm at her sudden appearance.    
And with the voice of a man trying desperately to keep his cool, he says

 

“Uhhh.. hi, *gulp* Chainsaw Vigilante. Uhhhh… how’s it goin?”

 

She turns her head to the side slightly, as if she couldn’t quite understand him, a classic masked killer routine that always scares the hell out of her targets, and this was no different, as the would-be purse snatcher takes a cautious half step back, sweat beading upon his brow.

 

“Well, uhh, I’m sure you’re a busy, um….maniac and all. What with your defeating of all those big... tough... *gulp*  superheroes all the time, and... everything.”   
  
But Chainsaw Vigilante just continues to stare them down, not saying anything.   
  
“ Well, uhhhh... I’m not, well, really worth your time right? So I’ll just... be on my way then?”

He says while taking another step back, now outright trembling in fear.

 

Chainsaw Vigilante looks down at her trademark weapon as her hand starts to reach for the rip cord to start it up, the purse snatchers eyes following her hand closely and widening even further.

 

“Of-course-now-that-all-the-super-heroes-are-gone-you-probably-have-some-time-in-your-schedule!!!!!!!!”

 

Her head snaps back up to look him right in the eye, confused at his slurred statement, and he starts to freak out.

 

“OH GOD!! HERE! TAKE IT!!!”

 

He throws the purse into her chest then starts to frantically empty his pockets, spilling their contents on the ground.

 

“Take everything! JUST DON’T KILL ME!!!!”

 

And he turns and runs away screaming and crying like a little kid. 

She turns her gaze back at the woman, who in turn takes a step back at the intense look she was giving off.

She glances down at the purse in her hands, then holds it at arm’s length, and drops it, making it perfectly clear she has no intention of stealing from the woman, but on the other hand probably wasn’t so invested in saving the purse and making sure all her stuff got back to her respectfully and perfectly unharmed.

 

To emphasize this further, she kneels down to the pile that the man had thrown at her feet, and picks up his wallet. Inspecting the drivers license, then opening it and rifling through the bills, and taking out the whole wad, much to the woman’s astonishment.

 

She then tosses the open wallet at the woman’s feet, to give her something for the police to identify the criminal with.

And turning her back to the woman, she folds the bills and pockets them, before sheathing her chainsaw across her back, and walking across the street and down another alleyway without another look at the woman in order to make it seem more like the robber had just happened to run into her by pure chance as she was oh her way somewhere else, as opposed to any deliberate acts of heroism, soon vanishing from sight in the darkness.

 

_ “I guess this job does make a bit of money after all. _ ”

She thinks to herself rather sarcastically as she leaves,   
  


_ “Still, wouldn’t want to make a habit of this. These city's don't need any wannabe robin hoods going around stealing from criminals on top of the nightly spandex parade. _

_  Although I can’t let the lady think I’m just some common superhero either. And he WAS pretty insistent.” _

she thinks with a smirk, before her thought bubbles take a more serious tone

 

_ “But still, was that guy right? Are all the superheroes really gone?  _

_ Because of something other than me?” _ _   
_ _   
_ She pauses for a moment to let the gears turn in her head, before a figurative lightbulb goes off.   
  


_ “Meaning I'd have no responsibility to try and fix it!!!  _

_ Oh man!! Has it finally happened? Has the moment come when I can hang up my chainsaw and live a normal life!?!?’ _

 

Her excitement rising at the realisation.

 

_ “There has definitely been a lack of chumps in spandex lately so maybe…” _

 

Her train of thought petering off before returning bitterly with a declaration of,

 

_  “Nah, I shouldn't get my hopes up. They're probably just at some ‘secret superhero meeting’ that ‘coincidentally’ is being held at Las Vegas again.” _

 

Chainsaw Vigilante actually doing the sarcastic finger quotes for ‘secret superhero meeting’, before continuing in her thought bubbles with.

 

_ ‘“Tomorrow morning there'll probably be a bunch of hung over morons in their pajamas blocking traffic because the noise was giving them a headache.” _

 

She turns a corner to see the sun just barely peeking over the horizon and mumbled to herself.   
  


“Crud, Sun's coming up, and I've got 3 job interviews later today. Serves me right for staying out all night. Alright, no more thinking about this missing superhero nonsense till afterwards. 

_ Then _ I'll figure out if I should start celebrating or not.”   
  


And with a slight grin on her face, she heads for home.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Well, it’s in the papers, I guess that makes it official!”

 

She says, her face beaming with excitement as she plopped heavily into her couch with a slight bounce, afternoon paper clutched to her chest as she reminisced about her day.   
  


Haylee had made a sincere attempt to go finish with all her job interviews before even thinking about the missing superheroes, really she had, but it was no use.    
Because the benefits of the superheroes absence had permeated her entire day.

 

See, thanks to the incredibly high saturation of superheroes in the twin cities having made jobs with either a flexible work schedule or the specific shifts that leave ones evenings free to trapeze around the city in spandex in high demand, Haylee had already been repeatedly dealing with the problem of either having stiff competition from the super hero community for the available positions, or else having to have a bunch of superheroes in their ‘secret identities’ as co-workers, which of course Haylee generally found nigh-intolerable.

 

But low and behold, what does she hear about at her job interviews?

How many employees that didn’t show up that day; that are ‘mysteriously missing’ and need to be replaced pronto; with one interviewer even outright saying he’s substituting for the guy who was supposed to interview her, but that they never showed up and never called ahead about having to be absent from work that day.   
  


Needless to say, she was able to put two and two together, and the day’s job interviews had been going swimmingly thanks to the now desperate employers.

 

She takes a seat on her couch with a contented huff before picking up the newspaper again and scanning the front page.

 

The headline reads

**NO MORE HEROES?**

- _ Citizens Baffled as the city’s Entire Superhero Population Mysteriously Vanishes!’ _

 

With a big picture placed below the title.    
It showing a few dozen of the city’s more well known superheroes all standing together like it was some corny class reunion photo.

 

She scans through the article once again just to bask in the contented victory that comes with things finally going your way. Not even caring that they couldn't take personal responsibility for the absence of superheroes in the twin cities this time.

She leans back and tosses the paper aside, a big grin splitting across her face as she stretches and says to herself.   
  
“Man, what a day. Not even 24 hours of no superheroes yet, and already my life is made so much better! And since I'm not responsible, I don’t even have to do anything to fix it this time! How’s that for a loophole Kevin? _ I _ didn’t force anyone to retire, so now  _ I _ don't have to do jack! You and the idiot pajama police are on your own! ”   
  
Flopping onto her back to pause and look at the ceiling for a moment, she soon continues   
  
“You know, I should savor the occasion...”

 

Getting up with surprising speed, she goes to the closet and gets on her costume, before heading to the open window, chainsaw in hand.

 

“One last time going out in costume to double check they’re all gone, and then nothing but peace and quiet from now on!”   
  
They leap out the window, landing gracefully into the alley below, and head off to savor the calm of a superhero-free city.


	7. Cities and Sidekicks

And indeed, it was considerably calmer than your average night in the twin cities for Chainsaw Vigilante, as they stealthily walked the so-called ‘heroes’ nightly patrol routes, and observed from the shadows with glee at the total absence of the self proclaimed protectors of the cities.    
  
Gone were the sounds of poorly garbed weirdos clumsily navigating the rooftops breaking every other thing in their path, or looking over a more scenic ledge while saying some ridiculous monologue to themselves about good and evil.    
  
The local park stood empty of the usual parade of pointless hero spats and arguments that could best be described (in her opinion) as a bunch of five year olds picking fights with one another, except with considerably more collateral damage from their powers or gadgets.    
And instead, young couples walked together along the lanes, enjoying the cool and clear summer night air and the picturesque romantic atmosphere of the streetlamps sparkling off the pond.   
  
She watches as night joggers run past shady alleyways, uninterrupted by brightly colored jerks leaping out to interrogate them in search of potential wrongdoing or give them lengthy lectures on the dangers of jaywalking.   
  
Not a single idiot in a cape is seen scaling apartments right across the windows of people's homes like some clueless peeping toms.

 

No firecrackers and other explosives setting off everyone and their grandmas dogs to start barking at 3am.  
  
No smoke bombs getting detonated right in the middle of the street without care of now this would obscure the vision of oncoming cars.  
  
Nobody getting left tied to a pole for 7 hours because the police don't think having an expired food vendors licence is enough to “come pick them up and take them to jail”.  
  
No traffic jams being caused by some moron taking their useless, gaudy, _non-street legal_ battle vehicle out for a spin….  
  
And if you ask her, It was _Wonderful_.  
  
Taking to the rooftops, she hears the distant sirens from the car’s of the formerly idyll police force, that up until now had been far too content to let the superheroes do their jobs for them, echoing faintly across the cityscape before her.   
Chainsaw Vigilante cheerfully saying to themselves aloud,  
  
“ **No doubt they’re out giving someone a ticket for speeding,** ** _instead of a wrecked car and a week or more in a neck brace because a brightly colored nincompoop thought it was a splendid idea to stop their car with a grappling hook or some such nonsense_**.”  
  
  
Settling down on the ledge before her, she took a minute to just watch and take it all in. Scanning the city skyline with a rare contentment that the hectic task of keeping just over a hundred and fifty superheroes across a pair of neighboring cities under control often didn’t allow for.  
It was actually a bit of an illuminating moment for them, as they took the time to mentally process just how intensive their self imposed duty could be sometimes.  
  
“...Man, how long has it been since I could just take a moment like this and relax? With the heroes around, I’m always having to play this terrifying monster.”  
  
She imagines an ethereal version of herself crouched next to her in a more shadowed part of the rooftop; everything from posture to expression appearing tense and threatening, a stark contrast to just how calm and laid back her current appearance was.  
  
“As much as I hate to admit it, this Chainsaw Vigilante stuff might have gotten to me more than I might have realized.”  
  
She pulls her legs up closer to her chest.  
  
“It shouldn't feel this...unnatural to just sit casually and watch the world go by.”

  
She let another thoughtful pause pass.   
  
“You know...    
I had always assumed that being scary was just something that came naturally to me.    
I mean, yeah, I was great at making those spandexed wimps pee their pants from day one. But now that they’re gone, it’s weird just how many of the little things I was doing, I did because I never knew if a superhero might be watching….   
But now that I know there aren't any, it’s a bit of a slap in the face how much of an influence I let them have on me.”

 

She deliberately tries to take an even more relaxed posture just to spite the feeling, but it’s clear that just makes her even more uncomfortable, so she instead leaned forward to rest her chin on her hands in thought.   
And just for a moment, she pondered on this whole Chainsaw Vigilante thing that could potentially be coming to an end.   
  
The brawls, the banter, the absurdity of it all... that particular feeling that they were doing good for the twin cities they called home that she never liked to admit to herself.    
She knew that whatever she found next to replace it would never quite be the same.   
  
But she quickly swept away such thoughts, as she often did when the subject of potential hypocrisies of her being in any way similar to the superheroes came up, and settled back down, leaning back to look up at the sky with a genuine smile coming to their face.    
  


“Hey, what am I even worried about? I bet in a week, it'll be like none of this ever happened. Maybe I could even start doing my wood sculptures in public, just gotta repaint the old chainsaw a little bit and....”

 

When her thoughts were stopped short by the familiar sound of a trash can being clumsily knocked over in the alleyways below…   
  
Instincts kicking in, she snapped to attention, going from a relaxed seat and into a more feral crouch like how her imaginary self had been doing, and drawing her knife, ready to creepily stare down whatever moronically dressed hero had knocked over a trash can with their bulky and impractical costume.   
A quick scan of the area showing that the noise had come from a direction a few streets over, thus meaning she didn’t have to worry about trying to intimidate any looky-loos who might have caught her by surprise, she gets up and silently stepped into the shadows.   
  
Only then does she catch herself, and gives herself a face palm.   
  
“ _ Uggh!  _ What am I  _ doing _ ?”

  
Angrily putting the knife back in her boot, she strides purposefully out of the shadows with a deliberate lack of stealth to go take a look.   
  


Leaping a gap to the next building over, she is able to get close enough to get a glimpse of the source of the noise.   
  
“ _ Huh, A bunch of kids? Oh good, it's not a... _ ”   
  
But then she noticed some of them had some weird looking silhouettes.   
  
“ _ Waaaaaaait... _ ”    
  
She sees as some of them exit the alley, coming into the glow of the street, and her eyes narrow with distaste.   
  
“.... **Sidekicks.** ”   
  


  
  
  
  


The kids exit the alleyway.   
A decently sized group of at least 10, with a mix of ages, and with some in plain clothes and some in costume. They paused and took a moment to regroup in the light and give one of them, who wore an especially thick pair of glasses, a moment to pick some garbage off their clothes.   
  
They must have been the one to knock over the can.   
  
As the rest of the kids idyll, suddenly, a young girl among them who had been scanning the nearby rooftops unexpectedly locks eyes with Chainsaw Vigilante, and both of them freeze.   
  


The little girl is the first to snap out of the short pause they shared, when the kid yells something CV couldn't make out, then started sprinting toward the building she currently stood on the roof of, while Chainsaw Vigilante quickly backpedals out of sight.   
  
“ **Damn it! Of course something would happen as soon as I let my guard down!** ”   
  
She said, bitterly chastising herself. Luckily though, where she stood had still been a pretty obscured area, so it was doubtful the kid had recognised her. 

 

But that kid was still heading this way fast, with the rest of the group chasing confusedly after, so Chainsaw Vigilante didn’t have very long to make their choice of revealing themselves or not.   
  
She sighs and rolls her eyes, then decides to go for it. Pulling out her chainsaw, she drops down into the alley beside her just as the little girl comes to a halt at its entrance.   
  
The expression on the little girls face turns from one of excitement and relief, to disappointment.   
  
“You’re not a superhero....”   
  
To which Chainsaw Vigilante replies,   
  
“ **Gee, Albert Einstein has nothing on you huh kid?** ”   
  
The rest of the group quickly catch up to the little girl, and a number soon freeze in shock at the sight of Chainsaw Vigilante.    
Except for the tallest, and probably eldest of the group, who she recognised as Bus-Boy.

 

Sidekick to one of the particularly pain-in-the-behind superheroes  _ Bus-Man. _ _   
  
_

Bus-Man was an especially obsessive one when it came to this superhero nonsense, and one of the longer lasting heroes who had remained active in the twin cities ever since the incident with The Tumor.    
Bus-Man was a hero who had an enormous physique, easily passing 6 feet tall and with professional bodybuilder style muscles to boot, who dressed up like a bus, complete with a series of bizarre bus themed gadgets.    
Though what made him  _ especially annoying _ in her mind among the small collection of heroes who have managed to mostly shrug off the regular beatings she dished out, was how armored his metal costume often made him against her chainsaw, and how much it would wear down the blades cutting through it. Especially once he had caught on to that and upped the amount of metal plating in his costume so she couldn't just cut the various straps and harnesses and let the armor fall off the weirdo like it were some loony toons skit anymore.   
  
But in stark contrast to the hulking Bus-Man, none of the same could be said for his sidekick Bus-Boy. Instead, he had a lean figure and wore a plain suit reminiscent of a waiter at a fancy restaurant, mimicking busboy the profession instead of bus the vehicle, and providing none of the advantages that made Bus-Man a tricky foe for Chainsaw Vigilante.   
  
Fortunately though, Bus-Boy did have something that made him more invulnerable, at least to Chainsaw Vigilante, Which she thinks to herself.   
  
“ _ That idiot Bus-Man is damn freaking lucky I don't go after kids. _ ”   
  
Seeing CV, he put an arm around the little girl who had run off, and moved her behind him, before taking up a defensive stance in front of the group of kids and saying with surprising poise and composure,   
  
“Everyone get ready to run, I’ll buy you some time.”   
  
Her eyes narrow into a judging, aggressive squint at the bold stupidity, blood starting to boil as it often did when she witnessed such heroic impulses. She internally continues with the thought,   
  
“ _ Damn lucky, or his stupid bumper covered butt would have a son with more scars than skin. Encouraging him to try and pull this kind of masochistic foolishness. As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate superheroes. _ ”   
  
But the tense stand off is broken, when Bus-Boy is shoved out of the way by a  _ very familiar _ looking little boy.

Well whado you know, it’s that kid from chapter 1. What are the odds?   
  


He turns and tells the group,

  
“No, nobody has to run, or fight. It’s ok. Chainsaw Vigilante isn’t going to hurt us. She could help us even!”   
  
Behind him, Chainsaw Vigilante makes an annoyed comment of,   
  
“ **Jeeze, not this kid again.** ”   
  
While in front of him, a few of the kids get broken out of their stupor, and make a few comments like,   
  
“Wait, That’s Chainsaw Vigilante?”

 

“Wow!”   
  
“I thought they were just some fake story parent’s talk about, like Santa”   
  
“Santa’s fake?!?!”   
  
Before Bus Boy tried to gently step in front of the little boy to keep himself between the other kids and Chainsaw Vigilante, while saying in a calm, but stern voice.   
  
“ _ No _ . You have not seen what they are capable of. I have seen them take down my dad like it was nothing plenty of times, and you know how big and tough he is.”   
  
But the boy is unfazed.   
  
“Yeah, but did they ever actually attack  _ you _ before?”   
  
That gives Bus-Boy pause, his fists lowering slightly with the weight of realisation that it was only ever his dad that actually got hurt all those times, while the little boy turns back to Chainsaw vigilante to say.   
  
“See? You don’t go after kids, even if they’re sidekicks. Just like you said so before, right? Chainsaw Vigilante?”   
  
He gives a hopeful look her way, and after a moment she sheathes her chainsaw across her back and sighs, rubbing her eyes in frustration.   
  
“ **Yeah yeah whatever, i'm not going to attack a bunch of kids.** **_Even if some of you are good for nothing sidekicks…._ ** **_  
_ ** **Look, What are you brats even doing out this late? Don’t you have school tomorrow or some lame kid thing like that?** ”

 

Bus Boy, still with an air of caution about him, responds   
  
“Well, for one, it’s summer vacation. And secondly, just because you aren't going to try and rip us to pieces, that doesn't mean we have to tell you anything.”   
  
But the little boy pipes up   
  
“But she can help! I left her a note and everything!”   
  
That gives Bus Boy pause once again.   
  
“You... left them a note?”   
  
“Yeah! You did get my note right?”   
  
She takes a moment to shoot a judging, threatening look at the kid, before reluctantly admitting,   
  


“ ***** _ Sigh _ *** Yes. I got your stupid note. A note you left, may I remind you, after I** **_explicitly told you never to bother me again._ ** ”   
  
“See? I told you!”

 

Bus Boy looks between the kid and Chainsaw Vigilante.

 

“Well, even if that is true, that still doesn't mean that they'd be willing to help us, and we can’t afford to be wasting time.”   
  
“But what if they ARE here to help? You are here to help, right?”   
  
“ **No I'm not** **_“here to help”._ ** **I’m here trying to enjoy my first superhero-free day in** **_ages_ ** **. But instead? I’m having my night interrupted by some obnoxious sidekicks and their posse of pre-teens** **_._ ** ”   
  
Bus Boy looks less than surprised.   
  


“Well... there’s your answer.    
Now let’s keep moving. I know it can get boring and feel like it goes on forever to stay out all night not doing much, but we only have so long before morning. We should keep looking.”   
  
He turns to leave, but is stopped when,   
  
“ **Hold it** **_sidekick,_ ** **I might be willing to let you walk away unchainsawed, but you still haven’t said why you’re all out in the middle of the night with the only supervision for a bunch of ankle biters being a teenager** **_dumb enough_ ** **to think dressing up as a glorified** **_dishwasher_ ** **in a domino mask is in any way somthing that would strike fear into criminals.** ”   
  
It’s clear from his expression that the comment had gotten under his skin, as he quickly turns around to say mockingly,   
  
“What, Isn’t it obvious? Surely someone who’s  _ soooo _ much smarter than me could figure it out.”   
  
“ **You really want to keep testing my patience** **_sidekick_ ** **?** ”   
  
CV getting in closer to loom threateningly over the boy,   
But the kid with the thick glasses who had earlier knocked over the trash can interrupts before the argument could escalate.

 

“We are looking for superheroes. If we can find even a single one, it may give us some more clues as to the cause of the disappearances.”  
  
He steps forward to the front of the group, his posture having a prim and proper air that heightened the overall nerdy vibe of the bespectacled boy.  
  
“In addition, if something should happen to go wrong in their absence, we may well be the only ones around to deal with it.”  
  
“ ** _Excuse me?_** **‘If something should happen to go wrong’? Are you freaking kidding me!** **  
** **It’s bad enough when we’ve got grown adults thinking they can go and pretend to fight crime without a single thought to the consequences! What makes you think I would let a bunch of** ** _children_** **do the same?** ”  
  
The boy in the glasses shies away at the scolding, but Bus-Boy doesn't even flinch.  
  
“Well what do you propose we do? Right now the cities are _unprotected_. And everyone knows that there are far too many things that the police are unable to deal with. _  
_So tell me, what, are _you_ going to protect the cities from monsters and supervillains? _You_ , who probably haven’t even saved the day a single time in your entire life?”  
  
He closes in, pointing accusingly at Chainsaw Vigilante.  
  
“In fact, how do we know that _YOU_ aren’t the one responsible for them all disappearing in the first place? It’s not like you haven’t done it before.”  
  


She takes offence to that.

  
“ **_Hey!_ ** ” **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** She interrupts. **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** “ **_Don’t you go accusing me_ ** **. I’m not** **_allowed_ ** **to do that sort of thing anymore. If it WERE me who got rid of the superheroes, there would still be a few hanging around and whining to everyone who would listen.** ”   
  
And Bus-boy, with a bit of mischief leaking into his cold glare, responds.

  
“Well then, if that’s the case, since we’re the last superheroes left, there’s nothing you can do to stop us is there?”

  
And that makes her pause in consideration for a moment as she thinks,   
_ ‘Wait, do sidekicks count for that?’ _

 

And he turns away and says,   
  
“Let’s go everyone. They aren’t going to understand. After all, it's not like any of  _ their f _ riends or family are superheroes. It’s not like anyone _ they _ care about went missing and might be in danger. In fact,  _ I bet they don't have anyone they care about at all _ .”

  
And with that, her stomach dropped, as it suddenly hit her that she did in fact have someone she cared about who was a superhero, and she stood rooted to the spot in half concealed shock until the last of the kids were soon out of sight, before she whispered under her breath,

 

“Oh no…. _ Kevin _ .”  


	8. Reluctant Alliance

Rushing back home, she climbs back through her window, tossing her mask on the couch as she sprints to the phone that hung on her wall, speedily punching in the number and putting the receiver to her ear as the phone starts to ring, Haylee bouncing on the balls of her feet in panicked anticipation as her mind races with the thought of    
  
“ _ Pickuppickuppickuppickuppickup” _

 

Only for the tone of the answering machine to sound, and ask that she leaves her message after the beep. Trying to keep her tone cool, she says,

 

“Heyyyy, Kevin. It’s Haylee. If you’re there then pick up the phone, if not then call me back the moment you get this.”

 

She hangs up, and starts pacing back and forth in front of the phone, hoping that perhaps he might have just been in another room and didn’t get to the phone quickly enough, which has been known to happen. But as the minutes tick by, the phone remains silent, and she’s just too stressed to patiently wait any longer.

 

Picking up her mask, she’s back out the window in a flash and sprinting down the street, making a turn at an apartment block and charging down the alley behind it. 

Skidding to a halt, she looks up at the windows and fire escapes above her, counting aloud as she tries to pick out the correct apartment, (three stories up 5 across) and having to do it once more having messed up her count the first time in her panic, before climbing up the fire escapes to peek in the window.

  
The lights are off. Which should be normal for this time of night, but she feels a sense of forboding nonetheless. 

  
She knocks on the window and listens for a moment, before cupping her hands over the glass so she could peer inside. It was Kevin's apartment alright, she could recognise quite a number of his belongings as she looked into the living room. She tried knocking again, much louder this time, and getting no response, she says,   
  
“ **Aww heck with it.** ”   
  


Raising a gloved fist, she punches through the window, before reaching down and undoing the latch on the window to open it and slinking into the room. Feeling around for a moment, she finds the light switch and flips it on.    
Things seem normal at first, so she peeks in the other rooms. Nobody in the bedroom or bathroom, so it’s not like he was just so passed out he couldn't hear the phone. And speaking of the phone, the light on the answering machine was still blinking with an unread message, so it’s not like he had been around in the few minutes between her calling and her breaking into his house. So she’s not exactly finding any comfort there. But when she reaches the kitchen, that’s when the dread really kicks in.   
  


On the countertop, there lay a single, solitary bowl of cereal with milk. A moldy, semi-dehydrated bowl of rotting mush that had clearly been left on the counter for over a day. And even without having the context of years of friendship that Kevin and Haylee had, it was clear that this was out of the ordinary. As this rotting meal stood in stark contrast with the sparkling cleanliness of the rest of the kitchen, with no dishes in the sink, and no spills or unopened food on the counters (unlike Haylees own, more messy kitchen).   
No, a man this hygienic would have never left such perishable food out on the counter like this. Unless he too had disappeared. 

  
And not only disappeared, but had been gone for  _ days _ , and Haylee hadn’t even noticed.   
Her literal best friend in the world had disappeared, and she had let almost half a week go by without even noticing he was gone.

  
She stood and stared silently at the bowl for a moment, the weight of the situation feeling positively crushing as Haylee’s mind raced with guilty thoughts about not realizing what had happened sooner, not trying harder to stay in touch, maybe even trusting in him and his superpowers too much, and putting too much stock into the thought that he could take care of himself…   
But as her thoughts turned to other, more violent ones, her hands clenched into fists, and a different emotion overpowered the worry and guilt.   
  
Fixing the mask on her face, which had twisted into a more terrifying visage, she leaves out the window, not bothering to shut it behind her as she angrily leapt down the fire escape and stormed off into a more secluded section of alleyway, where she started to pace back and forth unseen.   
  


“ **_Try to make MY friend disappear will they?!_ ** **I could have just washed my hands of this whole affair, not gotten involved, heck, even be** **_GRATEFUL_ ** **to whoever it is that did it!** **  
** **But NOOOoooOOOooo…** **  
** **They just had to take it too far. They had to make** **_THE ONE PERSON_ ** **I actually gave a rat’s behind about disappear,** **_so now I have to get involved_ ** **.** **  
** **_And oh, am I gonna make them regret getting me involved_ ** **.** **  
** **_They’ll…..._ ** ”

 

Realising she didn’t actually have a target yet to vent all this rage at, she pauses for a moment, she lets off a big, frustrated sigh and presses her face into her hands as she collects her thoughts.   
  


“ **Crud. What am I even saying? I can’t make anyone regret a thing if I don’t even know who’s responsible for this mess.”**

 

Her tone and posture becoming more thoughtful, she starts her pacing again.

**  
** **“Ok. So the superheroes are missing. And Kevin is about as meddling as it gets when it comes to superheroes, so of course whatever’s happened, he’s gotten his virtuous gullible butt wrapped up in it too.** **  
** **But this clearly isn’t the superhero’s usual moronic shenanigans, otherwise Kevin would have cleaned up his apartment first like he always does before going out, or at least dumped his cereal if he was in that much a hurry.** **  
** **So he didn’t go willingly, but probably didn’t have the chance to fight back either. And from the sound of it, the other pajama pansies must have disappeared in a similar way, since it seems all this has happened with a distinct lack of collateral damage.** **  
** **Which means if I can find out what happened to the rest of the bozo’s, I should also be able to find** **_MY_ ** **bozo.**

**So…. who do I know that might have any clues about what happened to Kevin?** **  
** **It’s too late for any of the usual super-** **_villain_ ** **hangouts that they do such a terrible job of hiding to still be open, so no cracking some wannabe criminal heads till they sing like canaries until tomorrow afternoon at best.** **  
** **But** **_no way_ ** **am I waiting until tomorrow night to do something if Kevin might be in a bind** **_right now_ ** **.** ”   
  


She pauses to grip the sides of her head in frustration and yell   
  
“ **ARRGH! I hate this dumb detective crap!!!** ”

 

The image of the sidekicks she had met earlier passes through one of her thought bubbles.   
  
“ **Ugh, those irritating sidekicks. They never** **_actually said_ ** **if they had found any clues or not did they? So they might know something I don’t, especially with them being the ones closest to those caped airheads.** **  
** **But…. ick, just the thought of asking them for help makes my skin crawl.** ”

 

But not having any other ideas come to mind, she soon slumps over in defeat with a sigh.   
  
“ **But I guess I have to start somewhere…..** ”

 

Rising back to her full height, she says one final thing as she sets off.   
  
“ **Now where was that kids house again?** ”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Lights flick on, and a young boy stirs in his bed.    
Blearily, he blinks a few times as he rises, saying almost hopefully,   
  
“Mom? Is that you?”

 

Only to get the response of    
“ **What? No, eww, i'm not your mom you dumb kid.** ”

 

And he jolts up in his bed to see Chainsaw vigilante leaning against his wall by the light switch.

 

" **And next time actually wake up and come down to the door dingus, I rang your doorbell like 12 times. I don't have all night to wait on bratty kids…..** **  
** **Oh, and you should really be locking your windows at night, just FYI.** "

 

The scene shifts to the conspicuously open window, and then back to the two of them.

 

"W-what are you doing here?"

 

The boy asks. And rubbing the back of her neck sheepishly, she replies,

 

**"Yeeahhhhhh, Looks like I have a reason to find out what happened to the stupid spandex parade after all. So I'm going to need you to tell me any clues you and your wimpy sidekick friends might have blundered your way into."**

 

"So you are going to help us!"   
His tone immediately snapping to one of excitement that CV quickly tried her best to put down,

 

" **_No_ ** **, Even if I guess I technically can’t stop you, I'm not gonna help you and the freaking preschool avengers on your dumb quest to find your imbecilic parents. I'm doing my own thing, which is gonna be** **_way cooler_ ** **than whatever the heck you gremlins are doing. Buuuuuuut... if by some stroke of dumb luck, you squirts** **_had_ ** **found out anything before I did,** **_then I'm gonna need that info right now_ ** **."**

 

"Oh…” 

 

The kid deflating a bit at the rejection,

 

“Well, we haven't really figured out anything  _ yet _ , buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut…"

 

The kid slides off his bed and heads over to his dresser, shifting through its contents and pulling out a pair of walkie talkies.

 

"We were gonna go looking again tomorrow..."

 

And holds one up to CV with a hopeful look on his face,

 

"And if we do figure out anything, I could…. let you know?"

 

She looks bitterly at the walkie talkie before going,

 

" **Uggh,** **_fine_ ** **. I'll take it.** "

 

She reaches out to grab it, but the boy pulls back a bit,

 

"But in return,  _ you _ gotta tell me any info you find out."

 

" **Uuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhhhhhhh...** "

 

"Or, I mean… Well... Could I at least get that cool wooden sculpture of the snake you made?"

 

" **Hmmph, fine, whatever. I guess you could have a sculpture.** **_But that info better be good_ ** **!"**

 

And she swipes the walkie talkie out of his hand, while the kid excitedly responds with

 

" _ YESSSSSS!!!! _ "

 

and he fist pumps.

 

CV grumpily stowed the walkie talkie in a pocket, flicked the light off, and walked across the room to climb out the window. Pausing for a moment as they stood crouched on the roof, preparing to close the window behind them.   
  
“ **And no telling any of those other kids that we’re working together got it? The sooner I can get back to ignoring that you exist the better. So if you go and get a bunch of freaking toddlers on my case, I will** **_literally_ ** **never forgive you.** ”

 

“Okay Chainsaw Vigilante, I won't tell.”   
  
“ **_You better not._ ** ”

 

And she shuts the window, before gracefully making her way off the roof and heading back towards her own apartment, as the sun was going to rise soon, and while she had done a good job of hiding it from the kid, with all these late nights recently, she was starting to run on fumes and REALLY needed to get some sleep.

  
  
  
  
  
  


The sounds of garbled radio noises caused Haylee’s eyes to snap open. 

She had changed out of her costume and fallen asleep on her bed in her usual awkward tangle of long limbs.    
Her one visible eye turns towards the source of the noise, and as her brain starts up, she deciphers the sound to be a panicked voice asking if Chainsaw vigilante was there over the walkie talkie she had placed on the table beside her bed.    
With the events of last night coming back to her, she quickly sits up; snatches the walkie talkie, and clears her throat in preparation for doing her scary voice.   
Brining it up to her ear like a phone, she presses the button to say,   
  


“ **Yeah, I'm here, what is it kid? Over.** ”

Only to have to immediately pull the receiver back from her ear in surprise at the panicked shout of, 

 

“THEY’RE GONE!!!!!!!!! over.”

 

She holds that pose for a moment, looking questioningly at the device in her hand, before bringing it back to ask,   
  
“ **What? Who? The superheroes? I already know** **_they’re_ ** **missing dingus. Over.** ”

 

“NO! NOT THE HEROES! SIDEKICKS! The sidekicks are starting to go missing too! The Corduroy Kid! Banana girl! Sneezy the Super Snotty Sidekick! Even _BUSBOY!!_ They’re all gone! Over.”

 

Haylee, dread starting to set in, but still too startled to really know how to react, responds awkwardly,   
  
“ **Wow, really? I mean, Are you sure? Over.** ”

 

“Yes! We met up to go looking for clues like yesterday, but barely half showed up!    
So when we went to go look for them, we found that not only were a bunch of the kid sidekicks missing, but  _ ALL _ of the grown up sidekicks that had gotten left behind when the superheroes first disappeared…..   
They...they had made their own team up group, and were out doing their own investigating into what happened to the superheroes that same night we were. But they’ve gone and vanished too!    
Now there’s only a few kid sidekicks left hiding out left, and I don't know what to do! My parents have already disappeared, now so many of the kids I used to hang out with are missing, what if I disappear next?!! Over!”

 

The kids voice was starting to break into sobs, and Haylee could feel that obnoxious weight called responsibility creeping onto her shoulders.

 

“ **Okay, Okay. Calm down kid. Have any of you gone to the cops yet? They’re always going on and on about witness protection and stuff, they could probably keep anyone else from disappearing. Over.** ”

 

“Ummm, *sniff*  wait, yes! That’s actually how we heard what happened to the grown up sidekicks! Some of them were actually at the police station trying to find out what had happened. I know cus Busboy and Larva Lad had talked about working with them, but this morning the police called Larva Lad’s little sister Grub Girl and said they'd disappeared! *sniffle* Over.”   
  


His voice breaks down further, now audibly crying into the receiver.    
  


“P-please, you’re the only sorta-superhero I know of that’s left, you have to be able to do something! I don't want to disappear tooooooo.”

 

And he starts bawling into the walkie talkie while Haylee rubs her eyes in frustration and tries to think. Giving a clipped response of,

 

“ **Look, kid, I'm not…** ”

 

Kid continues to cry   
  
“ **I don’t…..** ”

 

She continues awkwardly, kid continuing to cry, before stopping and sighing while rubbing her eyes again with stress. Without looking, she raises the walkie talkie up to the side of her head and presses the button.   
  
“ **_Alright ...where_ ** **are you now? Over.** ”

 

“*Snif* huh? Over.”   
The boy responds

 

“ **Tell me where you are so I can head over and we’ll... figure something out. Over.** ”

Haylee cringing even harder at what she was agreeing to.

 

“*Sniff* You will? Over?”

 

“ **_Look do you want my help or not you rotten little kid, over._ ** ”

 

“I do! I do want your help! I'm in the basement of Barry’s house at 44 Harvestman lane, over .”   
  


She let’s off one last deep sigh, before replying,

  
“ **.........Okay, I’ll head right over. Over and out.** ”

 

She switched off the Walkie Talkie and tossed it on the bed beside her, before leaning over and resting her elbows on her knees, and just taking a moment to brood.

 

“ _ Wow… I had literally just seen Busboy yesterday. He must have disappeared only a few hours after seeing him in the alley. _ ”

 

She glances at her digital alarm clock, 8:08am. 

  
Busboy and the other sidekicks could have been disappearing literally as she was talking with that kid, and she didn’t quite know how to feel about that.   
She still hated the idea of helping out anyone but Kevin, but the thought of someone, or something, stooping low enough to target  _ kid sidekicks _ ? That had touched a nerve.    
  
Sure, there had been a few rare occasions where a kid sidekick had gotten caught in the crossfire of her conflicts with the cities superheroes and gotten a few nicks from her chainsaw, but that was part of why she had started practicing with her chainsaw outside of the actual patrolling of the city. So the thought of someone going out and deliberately kidnapping kid sidekicks, that was just going too far.    
  
And if she was being honest, it wasn’t just Busboy disappearing that had her feeling bad about this. Sure, he may have been the sidekick freshest in her memory thanks to their little argument yesterday, but truthfully, she had recognized the names of every other sidekick the kid had mentioned. After all, she had fought most of them more than once 

 

Corduroy Kid was Plaid Valkyrie’s smartass sidekick, and the two of them were always making the absolute worst fabric puns she had ever heard.

  
Banana Girl was an awkward pair with the hero Black Tarantula, a man who absolutely wasted their otherwise intimidating superhero name by having these huge googly eyes and those corny extra spider limbs suspended on strings from his arms on his costume. But the pair had nonetheless been able to cement themselves in her mind in no small part thanks to Banana Girl and her ability to be thrown like an oversized boomerang, and had led to CV once walking away from a fight with them with a broken collarbone and a sizable unexpected medical bill.

 

Larva Lad and Grub Girl? They were The Human Earthworm’s kids from his first marriage with Trout Woman that had fallen apart a few years ago, but which still somehow manages to be everyone's problem thanks to them both being bitter Exes living in the same city and who just won't stop bickering. 

 

And Sneezy? Well, let’s just say encounters with Sneezy and their superhero partner  Gesundheit  were... sticky affairs that she’d generally rather forget.    
Not that she could actually pull that off despite how hard she tries.    
Honestly she was kind of okay with potentially never seeing Sneezy again.

 

But it was a bit too late to back out from helping now, at least a little bit.

And really, if she thought about it, why even feel guilty about not helping sooner?   
Would things have even been any different if she had agreed to help when they first bumped into each other in the alley?........   
  


“ _ …….….Nahhhhhh _ .”   
She thought to herself after a pause.

 

_ “If anything I  probably woulda just gotten a few extra hours to sleep. Even with my help, I should know better than to expect superhero types to have actually done anything useful. Especially not immature crybabies like that kid and his friends.  _

_ I bet they would have just kept wandering around cluelessly, waiting for something helpful to just fall into their lap like they were doing last night in the alley.  _ _   
_ _ Then, they probably would have just sent everyone home early because ‘kids need their sleep’ or something like that, and next day all the sidekicks would have been missing anyway. _ ”

 

She got up from bed, and went to her dresser. Pulling out her costume.

 

“ _ Yeah, I've got nothing to apologize for with these kids. _ ”

 

She left to the bathroom to get changed, her thought bubbles passing through the door to the outside room.

 

“ _ Just gotta do a quick detour and figure out what to do with the ankle biters, then it’s back to figuring out how to save Kevin. _ ”

 

The door opens, with Haylee in her costume and looking confident and determined.

 

“I’ll have everything sorted before ya know it!”

 

But her train of thought gets interrupted with a shout of,   
  
“Haylee? Are you awake? Mr. Snuffles is ready for his walk!”

 

And spooked by the sudden interruption of her landlady Ms. Lavern, she immediately scrambles to her living room, fumbling to open the window to her fire escape, and glancing back as Ms. Lavern knocks again and says,   
  
“Haylee?”

 

With the window open she’s out of there, being not at all eager to give any explanations the the elderly woman, who soon decides that,   
  
“Huh, she must not have come home tonight.”

  
She glances at the little black dog in her arms. 

 

“You don’t think she’s one of those ‘superheroes’ who the newspaper said have all up and disappeared, do you Mr. Snuffles?”

 

Mr. Snuffles just looked at her blankly in return.

 

“You’re right. A superhero wouldn’t make that much maniacal laughing and chainsaw noises. You know Mr. Snuffles, I bet she’s a fledgling supervillain trying to get her foothold in the twin cities! Probably out taking advantage of the missing superheroes. Robbing banks, threatening civilians, having a classic stick up at a gas station.”

 

She turns to start shuffling back down the hallway, saying fondly,

 

“Ah, to be young and full of evil, what a wonderful thing to see in the next generation.”


End file.
